Quietly Faithful: 2023

Monday, December 25, 2023

#8. We come bearing gifts

To paraphrase Nathanael when he commented on Jesus (John 1:46), “Can anything good come from introverts?” Historically, the answer to that question was, “Of course not!” But how people are viewing introverts, recognizing their value, has shifted a lot in past decades and continues to improve. As it should!

Contributing to this shift in perspective, in 2001, Jim Collins released the book, Good to Great. In it he reveals a stunning discovery. He states, “We were surprised, shocked really, to discover the type of leadership required for turning a good company into a great one. Compared to high-profile leaders with big personalities who make headlines and become celebrities, the good-to-great leaders seem to have come from Mars. Self-effacing, quiet, reserved, even shy--these leaders are a paradoxical blend of personal humility and professional will.”

Who knew? Effective leaders are introverts! So, yes, a lot of good can come from introverts. Just in time for Christmas, here are gifts introverts have to offer:

Calming. Being frantic and frazzled tends to generate more anxiety. In the midst of chaos, introverts can help you slow down, breathe, and center. They can help reign in extroverts who may be rushing a decision or action. They’re like the coach in the movie Hoosiers who encouraged his players to pass the ball and be patient before taking a shot at the basket. If, dear extrovert, you’re feeling a little frenzied, seek out an introvert friend who can help you relax and refocus.

Perceptive. Failing to understand what’s going on behind the scenes leads to confusion and distraction. Introverts often can perceive what others don’t see, such as subtle group dynamics, hidden agendas, mixed motives, and underlying hurts that are otherwise invisible to extroverts. Introverts can also often foresee potential challenges to a particular course of action since they think differently, tending to carefully examine ideas and proposals from a variety of angles. If you’re in need of some clarity on a situation, seek out an introvert friend who can help your sort out your dilemma.

True. In his book, Introverts in the Church, Adam McHugh stated “Introverts treasure the relationships they have stretched so much to make.” Introverts don’t have dozens of friends, but the friends they have are treasured. Introverts will be tenaciously true (loyal) to their friends. They love deeply from the heart (1 Peter 1:22). If you’re feeling unloved or shunned, seek out an introvert friend who values you for who you are.

Creative. Everyone is inherently creative. Introverts, however, draw from a deep well of emotion and experience to deliver unique results. Introverts have an almost uncanny ability to make connections that others miss. This allows for resolving complex problems in unforeseen ways and providing fresh expression to stale ideas. If you need a fresh take on the mundane, seek out an introvert friend for a new perspective.

Please feel free to enjoy the gifts we introverts of the world bring to you. Just unwrap them quietly and handle them with care.

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

Monday, December 18, 2023

#7. Are you talking to me?

Moving into a new situation can be challenging, especially for an introvert. When starting a new job, you don’t know anyone, don’t know where the supplies are, don’t know the culture or hierarchy, and may barely know where your desk is and where the bathrooms are! It’s a similar experience going to a new church.

As Donald Rumsfeld might have said, in a new situation, “There are known knowns. But there are also unknown unknowns—the things we don't know we don't know.”

New experiences are full of unknown unknowns! Introverts are not comfortable with the unknown. Given that introverts can become exhausted from too much input, it makes sense that a new situation can feel overwhelming. There’s a lot to learn and take in.

One way to ease the discomfort is to view the new situation as an opportunity to “spy out the land.” Yes, just like Moses sending spies to discover what’s what in the Promised Land (Numbers 13). Besides, people watching can be fun!

Whenever I find myself in a new situation, my go-to behavior is full-on introvert. I listen, observe, and remain as quiet as possible, almost invisible. I listen and observe to gather intel. Information is an introvert’s friend! The more we know the better we can relax in our environment.

If you’re inviting someone to an event who you know is an introvert, give them as much information as you can. The more they know in advance, the more likely they are to show up and engage.

Here’s a really interesting truth about introverts. Once we feel comfortable and safe in the new setting, we’ll become increasingly visible and start speaking up. There are often two reactions when we do: (1) It startles those around us as we’re suddenly very seen and vocal. (2) We are able to provide deep insights and valuable contributions.

As an introvert, I’ll often be quiet at the start of meetings. Listening and processing what’s being said. When I believe I have something of value to add, I’ll speak up. In fact, if the meeting topic is something I’m familiar with and passionate about (like a Bible study), I can become a chatty introvert!

Years ago I worked at AT&T developing proposals. One day in a staff meeting, the discussion got very intense. And I was right in the thick of it! Afterwards my boss looked at me smiling and said, “Who are you?” His point was that on this day a different Stephen showed up.

This is not unusual. Introverts learn to navigate the world and know how and when to be assertive and more “extroverted” in their behavior. Our speaking up can catch people off guard. They may ask, “Are you talking to me?” Yes, we are talking to you, and what we have to say is worth hearing. We’re still fully introverts and later will need to be quiet and recharge. We also have a valuable voice and know how to use it when given space.

Monday, December 11, 2023

#6. Home, home on the range

Recently I asked a few friends to tell me how they saw themselves, as an introvert or extrovert. And, also, how they came to that conclusion. Most claimed to be introvert or at least introvert-leaning. All based their determination of type on whether or not they liked hanging out with people. And a few claimed to be ambiverts, meaning they believed they could take on either role equally.

Being an introvert or extrovert doesn’t mean you are all one and none of the other. The reality is that there is a range of behavior and other factors that make up both styles. While we may feel most at home on the introvert end of the range (or spectrum or continuum), all introverts will exhibit varying degrees of extroverting over their lifetimes.

Still, once an introvert always an introvert. While over time an introvert may become more and more comfortable tackling extrovert roles, we really don’t change from introvert to extrovert, or vice versa.

Introverts that can behave or function like an extrovert are also not necessarily ambiverts. In fact, I would say in most instances this is not the case.

I am a hard core introvert, yet I am also able to function--for a limited period of time--in a very extroverted way. I can lead small groups, facilitate events, preach, and schmooze. More than once in these situations when I’ve outed myself as an introvert, those present didn’t believe me. What they saw of me looks very extroverted to them.

When introverts are doing something they are passionate about, we are able to move on the range more toward the extroversion side. We are able to do this in part because we can envision a discrete period of time that will come to an end. We are thrilled when you show up for the event we’re leading, but we are also relieved when we can all go home!

So, yes, an introvert can be in a situation requiring them to behave in a very extroverted way, but they are still an introvert. They will eventually need solitude and down time to recharge.

It’s also not about people, it’s about the number of interactions. In her book, Introvert Power, Dr. Laurie Helgoe explains that extroverts are “able to accommodate a large number of interactions.” While introverts “fill up” on fewer interactions. Introverts “prefer spacious interactions with fewer people.”

In other words, introverts love having meaningful interactions with fewer people. In the space (time) in between those interactions, as the introvert thinks about and savors them, they are deepened. Extroverts, on the other hand, “wrap up interactions in the interaction.” Kind of like, out of sight out of mind.

It’s normal to be able to move up and down (or right and left, depending how you envision it) on the range as circumstances require. Where you feel most at home, most yourself, most whole on the introvert-extrovert range will indicate which you are. And whichever you are, it is good!

Monday, December 4, 2023

#5. Mary, did you know you’re an introvert?

A loved and also derided song that pops up a lot this time of year is “Mary, Did You Know?” It asks of Mary, the mother of Jesus, such rhetorical questions as did she know her son would one day walk on water, heal the blind, and basically save the world.

Author Adam McHugh might add to this list the question, “Mary, did you know you were an introvert?”

While it’s possible to look at characters in the Bible and speculate as to their introversion of extroversion, we can’t definitively label any one way or the other. But we can suss out some clear markers of both personality types.

For example, the Apostle Peter is one of the clearer examples of extrovert behavior in the Bible. In his book, Introverts in the Church, McHugh writes, “Peter stands out as a man with highly extroverted tendencies. He was upfront and aggressive, quick to speak and quick to act.”

But what about Mary? Of her, McHugh observes that she “showed a reflective, introspective side as she ‘treasured all these things in her heart’ (Luke 2:51).”

But is this enough to declare her an introvert?

In the Matthew version of the Christmas story (chapters 1-2), while Mary is clearly a character in the story of Jesus’ birth, Matthew places her in the center of the action but she doesn’t speak. Joseph takes the lead in all that’s happening. She could be characterized as passive and withdrawn. However, neither of these characteristics is a true sign of introversion.

Luke (chapters 1-2), however, casts Mary a little differently. We see her encounter with the angel Gabriel and her reaction described as “she was deeply troubled by this statement, wondering what kind of greeting this could be” (Luke 1:29, CSB).

She listens carefully and then seeks more information from Gabriel saying, “How can this be [being pregnant], since I have not had sexual relations with a man? (1:34)” Note that she is not at all questioning what she’s been told, but simply seeking clarification on an important detail.

Gabriel patiently explains and then broadens the context of what’s happening to include Mary’s relative, Elizabeth who is pregnant with John the Baptist. Mary visits Elizabeth, perhaps to validate what she’s been told, and then commemorates what’s happening with poetry!

Finally, Jesus is born and shepherds show up telling an amazing story about how they were directed to seek out the newborn babe. How did Mary respond? Verse 2:19 states, “But Mary was treasuring up all these things in her heart and meditating on them.”

Listening carefully, seeking clarification, validating information, expressing emotions and praise in poetry, and then quietly observing, taking everything in, and meditating (or mulling) on what’s happening -- these are all clear introvert markers.

My point? Introversion is a good thing. It is a valid way of being. Introverts can be (and have been) powerfully, even though quietly, used of God to further the gospel and accomplish great things for his kingdom on earth.

Monday, November 27, 2023

#4. Pentecostal introverting

Pentecostals are exuberant in worship. Introverts prefer quiet. I grew up an introvert in a Pentecostal church. It had its challenges!

How people express their worship to God varies and that’s okay. Generally, style of worship is less of an issue than substance. What I learned in my small Hoosier church was solid and biblically grounded. Still, as I grew older, I realized that expressive Pentecostal worship didn’t fit with how I was made.

Back then there was little information about introverts and extroverts. In a Pentecostal setting, being too quiet can be suspect. To some it meant that you lacked boldness. Being expressive was wrongly equated to holiness.

I was filled with the Spirit, sought faithfully to serve the Lord, spent time in the Bible, and was confident I was born again. I wasn’t perfect but I knew I was on the right path. Still, getting “those” looks from others made me feel self-conscious. It was awkward.

Finally, in the 1980s and 90s articles began to appear explaining the difference between introverts and extroverts. I began to encounter personality assessments such as Myers-Briggs and DISC. Then in 2009, Adam McHugh’s watershed book, Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture, appeared. It was freeing to learn about personality distinctions. I could worship quietly and not worry about what others thought.

If you’re an introvert in a Pentecostal or Charismatic setting and feel viewed as not-in-a-good-way peculiar, keep the following in mind:

1. It’s okay to be who God made you. In his book, The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren writes about personality stating, “[God] created each of us with a unique combination of personality traits. God made introverts and extroverts.... There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ temperament .... Your personality will affect how and where you use your spiritual gifts.... [W]hen you are forced to [behave] in a manner that is ‘out of character’ for your temperament, it creates tension and discomfort, and produces less than the best results.’” The temperament God gave you is good!

2. Ecstatic behavior isn’t a measure of godliness. When Elijah confronted the prophets of Baal (1 Kings 18), he wasn’t the one who was loud. For hours, the prophets of Baal shouted and raved. Nothing happened. Finally Elijah prayed simply, “Let it be known that you are God in Israel!” Then the fire fell. Godliness comes from a pure heart, not rowdy behavior.

3. Volume isn’t an indication of holiness. When God revealed himself to Elijah, there was wind, an earthquake, and fire (1 Kings 19). God was in none of these. Instead, he came to Elijah as a still small voice. Quiet adoration and silent worship is biblical. In fact, it’s when we’re quiet that we can best hear him speaking to us.

Honoring God with your worship is to do so within the parameters of the personality God gave you. The bottom-line is that it’s perfectly okay to be an introvert and a Pentecostal or Charismatic believer.

Monday, November 20, 2023

#3. Relishing Thanksgiving gatherings

Thanksgiving marks the start of a series of special holiday celebrations for Christians. For those of us who are introverts, while holidays are fun, they can also be very stressful. Especially when it comes to gatherings.

There’s a great meme that circulates on social media from time to time. In the first panel, above the head of a sad man (extrovert) the thought bubble reads, “I’m staying in tonight.” In the second panel, a smiling man (introvert) thinks, “I’m staying in tonight!”

Generally, introverts prefer solitude (staying in) as opposed to mixing it up socially (going out). But any sense of dread has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not we like the people we will be around. Rather, it has to do with the energy drain socializing has on us mentally and emotionally. Even with family.

For introverts who’ve been invited to a holiday gathering, here are some tips for joyfully surviving them:

1. Learn about the event. Get as much information about the party as possible. Information is an introvert’s friend. Learning what’s going to happen and who is going to be there ahead of time helps us be mentally ready. Visualizing the event in a positive way ahead of time can reset our expectations.

2. Rest before you go. Don’t head to a gathering tired or frazzled. Take a nap if there’s time. Take a shower and “restart” your day. Be refreshed when you head out the door. Even if it means you’ll be a little late, don’t rush from work to a gathering. If all you can do is sit quietly in your car for ten minutes before heading in, do it. Take time to let the day settle.

3. Be positive about what will happen. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of the gathering, be eager to see people you love. Look forward to enjoying one-on-one time with special friends and relatives. Build anticipation about enjoying good food. Think about how nice it will be when you are home later.

4. Plan ahead who to engage with. If you know who will be at the gathering, think about those you really want to connect with. Find them and focus on them. If they are also an introvert, they will welcome the companionship. Feel free to be an observer of games or activities instead of participating. It’s okay to step outside for a couple of minutes to reset.

5. Check the exits. Yes, know where the exits are and feel free to leave once you’ve reached your maximum energy expenditure. Thank the host, quietly, and slip out. It’s okay to go without spending another hour saying good bye to everyone. Leave that to the extroverts!

6. Be thankful! Thank God that he made you as you are to be included as part of the body of Christ. Thank God that you are able to enjoy relationship with those who are different from you. Thank God for the restorative after-party power of solitude and sleep.

Monday, November 13, 2023

#2. Introvert essentials

Being an introvert is not a disease or a disability. It’s not about being shy or lacking boldness. It is about how you were made to be by a loving God. How he made you is very good, introvert or extrovert. It seems pretty clear that God determined both personality types are needed in his kingdom on earth.

But what does it mean to be an introvert or an extrovert?

Twenty years ago, a landmark article by Jonathan Rauch appeared in The Atlantic titled “Caring for Your Introvert.” The feedback from this article was “overwhelming.” The often disregarded introvert giant had awakened and was stirring.

Even though the idea of introverts and extroverts had been discussed in psychological literature since at least the early 1900s, being validated and accepted as an introvert was still a fairly new cultural concept at the turn of the century.

Introverts, in general, are more sensitive to all manner of external stimuli (environment), they prefer solitude to crowds (energy), and think deeply and slowly (focus).

Let’s look briefly at each of these three areas:

Energy. It seems to be well known that extroverts are energized in crowds and introverts are energized alone. Still, most introverts can adroitly navigate the interaction requirements of a career during the work day. At home at night we unplug and shutdown. The fallacies here are believing that introverts don’t ever like to be around people and that this is the only marker of an introvert. Neither is true. Introverts enjoy being with others, but aren’t fond of noisy crowds. There are many characteristics that define an introvert.

Environment. The worst type of office for an introvert to endure is an open office--layouts where everyone can see and hear each other. Recovering from interruptions takes minutes, not seconds. Any place with multiple conversations happening, where the lights are bright, or the music is loud can be overload for introverts. The reason, in short, is that our brains are way more active than an extrovert’s brain. We’re not smarter, but we process information very differently in a way that literally burns up more energy. Too much stimulation (sight, sound, scents, etc.) can be overwhelming.

Focus. Introverts mull. Often in meetings, by the time we form a comment or question, the discussion has already moved ahead several agenda items. Why? Introverts tend to be intricate thinkers. We carefully weigh things mentally. When we share, it’s important that what we share is meaningful and accurate. This can be a liability in fast-moving meetings populated with a lot of extroverts. Brainstorming sessions are the worst! Even after the meeting, we are still mulling. As Dr. Marti Laney writes in her book The Introvert Advantage, “long after they have taken in the information, [introverts] are still munching and crunching it--a little like cows chewing their cud.”

These are mere glimpses into a few of the fascinating elements that make up an introvert. In future columns, we’ll look at each characteristic in more detail.

Monday, November 6, 2023

#1. Welcome dear silent saints!

Being an introvert has its challenges.

I am a card-carrying introvert. My business cards carry the tagline: #Christian #Introvert #Writer. Being a Christian is the foundation of who am I. Being an introvert is how I am. And writing is what I do.

Growing up in a small Hoosier church, I was saved “early and often.” Every Sunday as a small boy in children’s church, we were asked if we wanted to accept Jesus into our hearts. Not fully understanding all that entailed but not wanting to take any chances, I said yes every week.

The church I grew up in was Pentecostal. While I loved my church and the people in it -- most of whom were relatives -- I always felt a little off, especially as I moved into my teens. Pentecostals tend to be rowdy folks, which is fine. But my leanings were more toward quiet worship.

As I grew and matured in my faith, coming to a clearer understanding of what a Christian is, I also began to be aware of how I was made. “Fearfully and wonderfully” was a good starting place, but I needed more information.

Everyone in my family -- mom, dad, sis, and me -- were all deeply involved in our church. Beginning in junior high, I was involved in our youth group, taught a younger-than-me boys Sunday school class, sang in the choir, and did other typical small church stuff.

I really loved being in my room reading a good book. Being alone and quiet was glorious. But, being in a group of people at church was great, too. Mostly. What caused me consternation was the exuberant and vocal worship. I have no problem with most Pentecostal or Charismatic worship. Substance is more important than style. Still, I wasn’t comfortable praying out loud or waving my arms in the air. More than once teen-me wondered, “What’s wrong with me?”

In her book, The Powerful Purpose of Introverts, adult Holly Gerth asked herself the same question! She explains how, when she enters her church, she feels “like a drowning woman, lost in a sea of sound.” To manage the experience, she wears ear plugs and sips tea that she brought “known for its calming qualities.” She writes, “Why does everyone else enjoy the loud music, feel eager to join a group and go on another retreat? Don’t I love God? Don’t I love his people?”

I know this feeling. She’s an introvert, just as I am.

Introverts are wired differently. We’re more sensitive to sounds, lights, scents, and all manner of external stimuli that others find rousing and energizing. We prefer solitude to crowds. We think deeply and slowly. For many of us, writing is our preferred form of communication.

Weekly in this column (now a blog), I’ll share from my experience as a Christian introvert. We’ll explore the world of introverts, examine why we are different, discover ways to manage and thrive, and learn that it’s very okay to be how God has made us.

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