#30. Introverts getting together over the holidays

It happens every year. Holidays followed by more holidays which means gatherings of people. Usually people we love, but still people we may be challenged hanging around. It’s the way of life.

For we who are introverts, holiday gatherings are challenging for a few reasons. I wrote a post last year (#3.Relishing Thanksgiving gatherings) with a few survival tips. These include address expectations ahead of time, be rested before heading to the event, keep your attitude positive, think ahead about people you feel comfortable engaging with, understand that you can leave when you want, and, most importantly, be thankful you have loved ones to share your life with. Read the full post for details.

This year, being a fraught election year, there may be additional causes for concern. Discussions of politics can always be tricky to navigate. Recently, the people at the HolyPost sent out an email with five good suggestions (bolded below).

1. Communicate ground rules ahead of time. Decide together that politics will not become the centerpiece of your gathering, and that you’ll focus on the things that hold you together.

This tracks with understanding and setting expectations ahead of time. It’s okay to chat with the host of the event and discuss some boundaries.

2. Practice “gentle non-cooperation.” If everyone is on the same page and reinforcing each other’s frustration, outrage, fear, etc., choose not to participate in the feeding frenzy. Start a different conversation.

For introverts, when the discussion heats up, this could be a good time to take a break. Step outside for some fresh air and clear your head. Then come back in and try redirecting the discussion, even if it’s just talking about the weather. At times like these, chit-chat can be your friend!

3. Imagine that someone from “the other side” is sitting at the table. This can help check the way we speak about those we disagree with.

This tracks with the idea to keep in mind that we are all created in the image of God. Even those we disagree with are deeply loved by the Jesus we serve. He commanded us to actively love one another, in word and deed.

4. Jesus doesn’t need us to fight for him. It’s okay for us to put our swords away and let comments be said. (John 18)

The battle is the Lord’s, right? Plus, we can lean into the Holy Spirit to empower us with grace and peace when things get tense. When we think of the phrase “God is with us,” it’s important to include everyone who is His child in the “us” of that promise. We are in this faith together. Other Christians are not our enemies and gatherings really aren't battle grounds!

5. Practice the discipline of not having the last word.

Introverts can excel here. Sometimes the best response is no response. Going quiet and just listening can actually help cool down a heated exchange. Your peace, your sense of calm can be contagious. Let someone have their say, then smile, be quiet, and gently change the subject. Or, just nod, get up, and go get another piece of pumpkin pie.

 

As believers we are called to be in community with others. This is what being the body of Christ means. While it can be challenging at times, the Holy Spirit will help us get through family and other gatherings where we can be His witnesses.

And remember, these gatherings won’t last forever! After a couple of hours, you can go home and recharge while quietly enjoying a good book or a happy holiday movie!

 

 

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.  

 

#29. Introvert privilege? Hating on the meet-and-greet.

In a Facebook group catering to Christian introverts, I invited comment on what they thought about meet-and-greet times in church. The reaction? Well, in short, it’s not just disliked, it’s loathed!

What it is

The meet-and-greet is that time during the service when everything stops and someone up front instructs us to “turn to the people on your left and right, behind you and in front of you, and greet them and I don't want you to just say ‘Hi!’ or shake their hand but tell them that there's good news and that there's nothing God can't do and then maybe tell them your name as well and.....” on it goes.

This is an actual instruction given in my church one Sunday. I agree it’s a tad much. The leader doing the instructing is a well-intentioned extrovert.

An introvert leader might say simply, “Turn and greet those around you.” We like to keep things simple.

A little history

This activity grew from the “passing of the peace” that seems to have started in the Catholic church. Over the decades it’s been adopted into mostly more liturgy-leaning churches, such as Presbyterian, Lutheran, Episcopal, and so on. Congregants are simply supposed to approach those near them, shake hands, and say, “The peace of Christ.” It’s a form of blessing.

Evangelical churches, snubbing formality and embracing chaos, have adapted this into the meet-and-greet time. It’s viewed as a way to ensure newcomers are acknowledged and allow people to see who is sitting around them. You never know who slipped in late.

The goal is essentially to offer acknowledgement and encourage sociability. Each church has their own rationale and process.

On the fence

I’m ambivalent about the practice. As an introvert, it’s sometimes a bit challenging to greet strangers. On the other hand, I do want to get to know people in our church (it’s big). And I understand the importance of making newcomers feel welcomed. But some question if this is the most effective way to address newcomers.

At any rate, I can roll with it and sometimes even really get into it.

Survey says!

Thom Rainer is an expert on church revitalization and author of books such as Autopsy of a Deceased Church and Anatomy of a Revived Church. Some years ago he surveyed those inside and outside the church on various aspects of churchgoing. One thing that popped out is that 6 out of 10 church members and 9 out of 10 visitors don’t like the meet-and-greet!

So, there is data to back up the dislike of the practice. Yet, it persists. In fact, as Rainer writes about in one of his books, pastors discontinue doing it at their own peril.

People are definitely fickle. We don’t like doing it but don’t dare not let us!

Back to my introvert friends

As I said earlier, many claiming the title of introvert literally loathe the practice. Some hate it so much they’ve left their church for another that had no meet-and-greets!

This seems a little excessive to me, even for those who are very introverted. I’m guessing there’s more going on in these situations but won’t speculate here.

Here are some other comments:

• I refuse to allow someone to make me feel guilty for feeling [being uncomfortable doing this].
• I just go to the bathroom in order to avoid it.
• To me it is a forced friendliness that is fake and uncomfortable.
• They seem phony to me.
• I think it's the forced concept of it that makes us uncomfortable.
•  Greeting needs to be organic, in context, MEANINGFUL. Not a game of Simon Says.

You get the drift. In addition to being viewed as phony and forced, other choice descriptors I've heard include manipulative, controlling, hypocritical, and choreographed.

But the most offered reason for avoiding the meet-and-greet is, “It makes me uncomfortable.”

Discomfort is not always a bad thing

In this sad day and age of widespread abuse happening in churches, when something makes us uncomfortable, we do need to pay attention. We then need to discern if the discomfort is being caused by something genuinely harmful, or rather, is an opportunity for spiritual growth.

If it is something harmful, we need to speak out about it and get it addressed.

But if it’s merely something that is causing our spiritual muscles to be stretched, that’s pushing us past the edges of our comfy existence, that is the Holy Spirit nudging us to do something we wouldn’t normally choose to do, then we need to pay attention and view it as good discomfort.

Genuine spiritual growth and the process of maturity is seldom comfortable.

The danger of introvert privilege

There is danger in thinking or saying, “Because I’m an introvert I will not do this or that thing.”

We introverts are already too often viewed as reclusive, standoffish, rude, anti-social, and more because of how we are shaped as introverts.

If we react so vehemently and negatively to something as simple as taking two minutes to shake hands with a couple of people next to us during a church service, then we give power to those wrong labels. We make them legitimate.

People look at our reticence toward greeting others and declare, “See! I told you they didn’t like people and are stuck-up snobs!”

We know we’re not snobs, but our less-than-selfless behavior can make us look like we are.

A better approach

One introvert commenter understands that we are called to connect, even as introverts. She wrote, “If being an introvert has you hovering in the corner of your pew every Sunday, I challenge you to get out of that seat, seek out one person who looks like they need a friend, and go speak to them. Smile and say ‘Good Morning!’ like you mean it.”

In other words, see and acknowledge someone else the way you’d like someone else to see and acknowledge you. Just one person. It’s okay to not greet the entire congregation.

Plus, keep this in mind. Once the meet-and-greet is done, you get to sit quietly in the darkened sanctuary listening to the sermon for 20, 40, or 60 minutes and recover from those two minutes of extroverting.

Jesus commanded us to love one another. John reminds us to not love only “in word or speech, but in action and in truth” (1 John 3:18, CSB).

Being part of the community of faith means, occasionally, doing good things that make us feel a little uncomfortable. Greeting one or two people around us for two minutes on Sunday morning is a small thing that can reap big rewards.

For us, we get to express Christian love and hospitality in a safe place for a short time. For those we greet, we offer the blessing of acknowledging and seeing them. In time, the discomfort will fade as the joy of connection grows.

 

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.  

#24. Introverts in community

The common fallacy that often mischaracterizes introverts is that we don’t like to be around people. That we just want to be alone all the time. Not so! For all followers of Jesus, community is necessary. Eugene Peterson, writing in his book Reversed Thunder, states, “A believing community is the context for the life of faith.”

In fact, in the early church, when a new epistle arrived, Peterson explains, that taking the scroll to “read in the privacy of their own rooms is not for a moment imagined.” The epistles were read out loud and discussed in community with everyone gathered together.

Today, while it’s perfectly okay to have private devotionals each morning and daily Bible study on your own, true isolation is still not an option for believers. Even for introverts.

While introverts generally enjoy being around others, being alone is also very comfortable. The social media challenges that pop up now and then, asking if you could live on a desert island for a month for a million dollars is a no-brainer for us! Of course we could. And for free.

So, it’s important for us to manage our alone time, ensuring we mix it up with our fellow believers regularly.

In Introverts in the Church (2^nd ed.), Adam McHugh writes, “It’s in community that we learn how to love, how to serve, how to listen, how to forgive.” And the oft quoted verse, Hebrews 10:25, cautions “do not forsake assembling together.”

How do we do this? By being intentional about regularly getting together with other believers. Here are four ways to accomplish this.

Weekly church. Sundays are important. This is the Lord’s Day, and we are most glad in it when we are with our brothers and sisters at church. In church we hear the word of God, worship, learn, and sing together. The idea of “assembling” mentioned in Hebrews holds a double meaning. Individually, the pressures of the work week can make us feel disassembled spiritually and scattered emotionally. Assembling with the body on Sundays is a good way to reassemble our own lives. Wholeness is found in fellowship. And fellowship is best when it’s in-person. Watching a service online is fine now and then. But it’s not the same as being together with the body of Christ. All who are physically able need to get out of the house and into church on Sunday.

Small groups. While seeing everyone on Sundays is great, small groups allow for more intimacy. It’s in a small group that we can really get to know a few others, as well as let ourselves be known. It’s in a small group where questions lingering from the Sunday sermon can be answered. Where you can engage in deeper conversations about faith and the Bible. Where vital relationships can be established and nurtured. Small groups don’t have to be big or formal programs. Years ago, I was invited to hang out weekly with three other men. The four of us met at a local Starbucks to share what was happening in our lives, talk about life, and pray for one another. Some weeks, because of commitments, only two of us made it. It was exactly what I needed during that time in my life. If you can’t find a group to be part of, find a couple of “kindred spirits” and start your own group.

Service. Serving is essential for good spiritual health. When we accept Christ, the Holy Spirit imparts to everyone at least one spiritual gift. The gifts are meant for the building up of the body of Christ. Serving can be as simple as sending encouraging notes, or more intense such as teaching a weekly Sunday school class. For example, my wife and I have only been attending our current church for about a year. As we attended each Sunday, we listened as needs were mentioned, attended a Sunday connect group, and got to know as many people as we could. Now, my wife (the extrovert) is helping in children's and women’s ministry. I (the introvert) am writing sermon discussion guides as well as helping in men’s ministry and our Sunday connect group. And we are hosting and leading a weekly small group in our home. There are a million and one ways to serve. Find at least one thing you can do and do it for the glory of the Lord.

Friends. A great way for an introvert to grow is to make an extrovert friend. Where introverts want to slow things down, extroverts tend to be full speed ahead. Getting together can be a good way to even out the extremes. Extroverts can learn the value of solitude and meditation on the Word from introverts. Introverts can become more understanding of and patient with extroverts by hanging out together. But we all need someone we can turn to for advice, encouragement, and accountability. Introverts need at least one close friend they can see on a regular basis.

The bottom line for we introverts is that we need others in our lives and we need to leave home now and then to connect with those others. Peterson cautions, “The gospel is never for individuals, but always for people. Sin fragments us, separates us, and sentences us to solitary confinement. Gospel restores us, unites us, and sets us in community.”

We only “get it together” when we are together.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.