#29. Introvert privilege? Hating on the meet-and-greet.

In a Facebook group catering to Christian introverts, I invited comment on what they thought about meet-and-greet times in church. The reaction? Well, in short, it’s not just disliked, it’s loathed!

What it is

The meet-and-greet is that time during the service when everything stops and someone up front instructs us to “turn to the people on your left and right, behind you and in front of you, and greet them and I don't want you to just say ‘Hi!’ or shake their hand but tell them that there's good news and that there's nothing God can't do and then maybe tell them your name as well and.....” on it goes.

This is an actual instruction given in my church one Sunday. I agree it’s a tad much. The leader doing the instructing is a well-intentioned extrovert.

An introvert leader might say simply, “Turn and greet those around you.” We like to keep things simple.

A little history

This activity grew from the “passing of the peace” that seems to have started in the Catholic church. Over the decades it’s been adopted into mostly more liturgy-leaning churches, such as Presbyterian, Lutheran, Episcopal, and so on. Congregants are simply supposed to approach those near them, shake hands, and say, “The peace of Christ.” It’s a form of blessing.

Evangelical churches, snubbing formality and embracing chaos, have adapted this into the meet-and-greet time. It’s viewed as a way to ensure newcomers are acknowledged and allow people to see who is sitting around them. You never know who slipped in late.

The goal is essentially to offer acknowledgement and encourage sociability. Each church has their own rationale and process.

On the fence

I’m ambivalent about the practice. As an introvert, it’s sometimes a bit challenging to greet strangers. On the other hand, I do want to get to know people in our church (it’s big). And I understand the importance of making newcomers feel welcomed. But some question if this is the most effective way to address newcomers.

At any rate, I can roll with it and sometimes even really get into it.

Survey says!

Thom Rainer is an expert on church revitalization and author of books such as Autopsy of a Deceased Church and Anatomy of a Revived Church. Some years ago he surveyed those inside and outside the church on various aspects of churchgoing. One thing that popped out is that 6 out of 10 church members and 9 out of 10 visitors don’t like the meet-and-greet!

So, there is data to back up the dislike of the practice. Yet, it persists. In fact, as Rainer writes about in one of his books, pastors discontinue doing it at their own peril.

People are definitely fickle. We don’t like doing it but don’t dare not let us!

Back to my introvert friends

As I said earlier, many claiming the title of introvert literally loathe the practice. Some hate it so much they’ve left their church for another that had no meet-and-greets!

This seems a little excessive to me, even for those who are very introverted. I’m guessing there’s more going on in these situations but won’t speculate here.

Here are some other comments:

• I refuse to allow someone to make me feel guilty for feeling [being uncomfortable doing this].
• I just go to the bathroom in order to avoid it.
• To me it is a forced friendliness that is fake and uncomfortable.
• They seem phony to me.
• I think it's the forced concept of it that makes us uncomfortable.
•  Greeting needs to be organic, in context, MEANINGFUL. Not a game of Simon Says.

You get the drift. In addition to being viewed as phony and forced, other choice descriptors I've heard include manipulative, controlling, hypocritical, and choreographed.

But the most offered reason for avoiding the meet-and-greet is, “It makes me uncomfortable.”

Discomfort is not always a bad thing

In this sad day and age of widespread abuse happening in churches, when something makes us uncomfortable, we do need to pay attention. We then need to discern if the discomfort is being caused by something genuinely harmful, or rather, is an opportunity for spiritual growth.

If it is something harmful, we need to speak out about it and get it addressed.

But if it’s merely something that is causing our spiritual muscles to be stretched, that’s pushing us past the edges of our comfy existence, that is the Holy Spirit nudging us to do something we wouldn’t normally choose to do, then we need to pay attention and view it as good discomfort.

Genuine spiritual growth and the process of maturity is seldom comfortable.

The danger of introvert privilege

There is danger in thinking or saying, “Because I’m an introvert I will not do this or that thing.”

We introverts are already too often viewed as reclusive, standoffish, rude, anti-social, and more because of how we are shaped as introverts.

If we react so vehemently and negatively to something as simple as taking two minutes to shake hands with a couple of people next to us during a church service, then we give power to those wrong labels. We make them legitimate.

People look at our reticence toward greeting others and declare, “See! I told you they didn’t like people and are stuck-up snobs!”

We know we’re not snobs, but our less-than-selfless behavior can make us look like we are.

A better approach

One introvert commenter understands that we are called to connect, even as introverts. She wrote, “If being an introvert has you hovering in the corner of your pew every Sunday, I challenge you to get out of that seat, seek out one person who looks like they need a friend, and go speak to them. Smile and say ‘Good Morning!’ like you mean it.”

In other words, see and acknowledge someone else the way you’d like someone else to see and acknowledge you. Just one person. It’s okay to not greet the entire congregation.

Plus, keep this in mind. Once the meet-and-greet is done, you get to sit quietly in the darkened sanctuary listening to the sermon for 20, 40, or 60 minutes and recover from those two minutes of extroverting.

Jesus commanded us to love one another. John reminds us to not love only “in word or speech, but in action and in truth” (1 John 3:18, CSB).

Being part of the community of faith means, occasionally, doing good things that make us feel a little uncomfortable. Greeting one or two people around us for two minutes on Sunday morning is a small thing that can reap big rewards.

For us, we get to express Christian love and hospitality in a safe place for a short time. For those we greet, we offer the blessing of acknowledging and seeing them. In time, the discomfort will fade as the joy of connection grows.

 

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.