#19. So, how about those Mets?

Chit chat. Small talk. Water cooler conversation. Whatever you call it, generally speaking, introverts aren’t fans. We tend to avoid it.

We know it when we hear it. The topic may be sports, the weather, favorite foods, or other miscellany. The conversation that ensues remains shallow, even trivial, and often just plain boring.

But here’s the thing. It’s essential to building relationships. Yes, even introverts need relationships. Especially Christian introverts.

As followers of Christ who are active parts of his body, the Church, because we are introverts is not an excuse to avoid people and relationships. Being in relationship, doing what has been called “body life” in the church, is necessary for spiritual health and maturity.

God doesn’t call us to be loners in the faith

Hebrews 10:25 is the go-to verse that cautions against isolation, especially as a habit. Rather, it is in gathering together that we can find encouragement, fellowship, and strength for living godly lives day in and day out. Being on our own all the time is not healthy.

This means we need to engage in small talk to seed those very necessary holy relationships.

Adam McHugh writes in Introverts in the Church (2nd ed.), “the reality is that small talk is essential for building relationships; in small talk, we establish initial connections with others that we may wish to pursue further.”

It’s in initial chit chat that we learn basics about one another that become building blocks for a deeper relationship. In small talk we can share about ourselves in small bits, establish trust, and work slowly toward spiritual intimacy.

But how to do it? This can be challenging for introverts. Chit chat doesn’t come naturally to us. Since we tend to avoid it and don’t think fast as extroverts do, we can be at a loss for words.

Three tips for chit chat success

Here are three simple tips to help you survive and thrive with small talk:

1. Ask questions. The quickest way to get the attention off yourself and onto the other person is to ask a couple of questions. Ask about what they do for a living, where they live, where they went to school/college, how long they have been coming to this church, what they like about the church, and so on. Then listen carefully to their answers. What they tell you will hold clues to great follow-on questions you can ask. If you have a mutual interest, that is great fodder to keep things rolling.

2. Share about yourself. Simply echo the questions you’ve asked and share the same information about yourself. Feel free to only share as deeply as you feel comfortable doing. As you get to know the other person better, there will be plenty of opportune times to share more candidly from your heart. It’s okay to skim the surface at the start.

3. Trust the Spirit. This is our ace as Christians! The Holy Spirit in us connects us. In the Spirit, we find strength to share “against our nature,” to be sensitive as the Spirit prompts us about what to share and ask about, and He will guide us in sharing appropriately.

 The bottom line is this. As Christian introverts, we will need to pull back from people and recharge alone. But we are not loners. We are called to be active, participating, giving, and receiving believers within the larger fellowship of believers. Fellowship is not an option, it’s a requirement.

So, how about those Mets?

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#18. Statistically speaking

For introverts, it often seems like extroverts rule the world and everything in it. The reality is not straightforward. Some studies (mostly older ones) say that one-in-three people are introverts. Others (more recent) indicate it’s about a fifty-fifty split. In fact, a few give introverts an edge by a slight partial percentage saying 50.7 of us are the quiet ones.

Regardless of the actual split, extroverts, by their noisier nature, can make it feel like a world in which introverts are often sidelined. This should not be the case, especially in church! Yet, as Adam McHugh writes in Introverts in the Church (2nd ed.), the ideal of church engagement often means “the more activities and social interaction a person engaged in, the closer she was to God.”

In other words, the more extroverted you behave the more accepted you are and holy you seem. Growing up in Pentecostal church, I can relate well to this. McHugh opens his book asking the question, “Can introverts thrive in the church?’

The short answer is—or should be—yes! But getting to that yes can sometimes be a circuitous challenge, even though introverts are in the statistical majority. Here are two practical yet significant ways churches can help their introverted members feel welcome and comfortable. If you are a leader in your church, please take these to heart.

1. See us. This requires an adjustment of perspective and preference. It simply means acknowledging that introverts are made in God’s image as much as are extroverts. Understanding that personality differences exist and are God-given is a crucial first and big step to validating your introvert brothers and sisters in the Lord.

Avoid promoting a message that being exuberant, outgoing, or visibly “bold” is somehow more spiritual or desirable. Holiness is fueled and worship can be expressed through quiet contemplation, silent prayer, and calm reflection. Both styles are needed for the overall health and stability of the church.

God created introverts and extroverts to complement one another, not to be in competition with each another. How an introvert lives out a specific gift will be different from how an extrovert will express that same gift. This is a good thing!

Simply put, louder is not better and quieter is not bad. Both have their place and should be valued and encouraged.

What’s the result when outgoing behavior is lauded and those who are unassertive sidelined? Those of us who are quiet feel unseen and unvalued. It becomes difficult to not feel resentful. A prevailing message of “loud is good and quiet is bad” is a sign of a potentially unhealthy church.

2. Tell us. This one is a little easier. Introverts thrive on information. Due diligence helps us to be confident and not feel stupid as we navigate new environments. The more information an introvert can arm themselves with, the more comfortable they will be participating.

Something as simple as keeping your church website and app up to date will go a long way to helping us find our place in your church. Be relentless in doing this!

Make sure the posted calendar includes all that’s happening with full details. Double-check links to ensure they are working. If changes have been made, get them posted ASAP.

When announcing a new event, be clear about who it is targeted to. If it’s aimed at parents with kids, make that abundantly obvious. Don’t hesitate to over-communicate about what’s happening, where it’s happening, who is invited, and so on.

Encourage leaders to keep small group details accurate and complete wherever the information is posted online or in print. This will make it easier for introverts (and extroverts!) to engage in these groups. Never assume “everyone knows” about an event or where it’s happening, because there will always be someone who doesn’t.

Taking these two guidelines to heart will help ensure the introverts in your church can thrive and feel valued.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#17. Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!

A simple way to spot introverts in a group is to pay attention to those who do not raise their hands, don’t make eye contact, or don’t speak up spontaneously. In other words, you’ll likely never see an introvert wave their hand and demand to be called on! Nope.

It can be tough for an introvert in a small group Bible study or fellowship group. We care about people. We love the Lord. We are passionate about our faith. Albeit we are all of these quietly. In a group, things are not so quiet.

Here are a few suggestions to help you, as an introvert, to become an integral part of a small group.

1. Research and make connections ahead of time. Learn as much about the group as possible before you attend. If it’s a church Bible study, check their website to see if there’s a description and maybe a list of group attendees. A lot of churches now have apps where all of this information is located. Try to connect with the leader of the group or one member and ask them how the group operates. Not only does this give you inside info up front, but now you’ll know at least one person in the group when you visit the first time.

2. It’s okay to be quiet. Being the newbie in a group can be intimidating. Not only do you not know most of the people around you, but there’s often a lot of chatter and activity, especially before the group gets going. In other words, you’re getting hit with a lot of stimuli all at once which can be off-putting. Feel free to find a place to sit and then quietly observe. This will allow your mind to settle. Even better if you can sit next to the person you connected with earlier.

3. Know yourself. Understanding your introversion can help you feel comfortable in a new situation. You understand that, just because you’re quiet, that doesn't mean you have nothing of value to contribute. You understand that it takes time for you to form a clear thought you feel comfortable sharing. In other words, there is nothing wrong with being quiet and observant.

4. Listen and observe. As the group gets rolling and the discussion starts, listen to what’s shared. Assess who the dominant speakers are and note the other quiet ones. It’s rare in a small group for you to be the only introvert! At the next meeting, pick one of the quiet ones to sit next to. You can be allies and support each other.

5. Share when you’re ready. Just because the group has moved on from a topic doesn’t mean that you can’t share later. Often, near the end of the meeting, a leader will ask if anyone has any additional thoughts. This is your cue to speak up. Say something like, “I’d like to go back to a topic we talked about earlier,” and then share your thought. You may be surprised that someone else, as other discussion was occurring, had been mulling a similar thought. Your contribution will be valued. Just remember when you speak to lift your head and project your voice confidently. And if you don’t share, that’s okay, too.

In her article, 5 Myths About Introverts in Small Groups*, Amy Jackson says about introverts that we are “an incredible asset to your group.”  And you are! It takes time to feel comfortable in a new situation. While you’re working on settling in those around you are trying to figure you out as well. Let them know you’re an introvert. Educate them gently on what that means. By doing so, you not only help yourself acclimate to the group, but you’re also helping those around you to become more aware and accepting of personality differences.

 

*Note: This is a great article for group leaders and the website, SmallGroups.com, is an excellent source of helps for small groups.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.