#30. Introverts getting together over the holidays

It happens every year. Holidays followed by more holidays which means gatherings of people. Usually people we love, but still people we may be challenged hanging around. It’s the way of life.

For we who are introverts, holiday gatherings are challenging for a few reasons. I wrote a post last year (#3.Relishing Thanksgiving gatherings) with a few survival tips. These include address expectations ahead of time, be rested before heading to the event, keep your attitude positive, think ahead about people you feel comfortable engaging with, understand that you can leave when you want, and, most importantly, be thankful you have loved ones to share your life with. Read the full post for details.

This year, being a fraught election year, there may be additional causes for concern. Discussions of politics can always be tricky to navigate. Recently, the people at the HolyPost sent out an email with five good suggestions (bolded below).

1. Communicate ground rules ahead of time. Decide together that politics will not become the centerpiece of your gathering, and that you’ll focus on the things that hold you together.

This tracks with understanding and setting expectations ahead of time. It’s okay to chat with the host of the event and discuss some boundaries.

2. Practice “gentle non-cooperation.” If everyone is on the same page and reinforcing each other’s frustration, outrage, fear, etc., choose not to participate in the feeding frenzy. Start a different conversation.

For introverts, when the discussion heats up, this could be a good time to take a break. Step outside for some fresh air and clear your head. Then come back in and try redirecting the discussion, even if it’s just talking about the weather. At times like these, chit-chat can be your friend!

3. Imagine that someone from “the other side” is sitting at the table. This can help check the way we speak about those we disagree with.

This tracks with the idea to keep in mind that we are all created in the image of God. Even those we disagree with are deeply loved by the Jesus we serve. He commanded us to actively love one another, in word and deed.

4. Jesus doesn’t need us to fight for him. It’s okay for us to put our swords away and let comments be said. (John 18)

The battle is the Lord’s, right? Plus, we can lean into the Holy Spirit to empower us with grace and peace when things get tense. When we think of the phrase “God is with us,” it’s important to include everyone who is His child in the “us” of that promise. We are in this faith together. Other Christians are not our enemies and gatherings really aren't battle grounds!

5. Practice the discipline of not having the last word.

Introverts can excel here. Sometimes the best response is no response. Going quiet and just listening can actually help cool down a heated exchange. Your peace, your sense of calm can be contagious. Let someone have their say, then smile, be quiet, and gently change the subject. Or, just nod, get up, and go get another piece of pumpkin pie.

 

As believers we are called to be in community with others. This is what being the body of Christ means. While it can be challenging at times, the Holy Spirit will help us get through family and other gatherings where we can be His witnesses.

And remember, these gatherings won’t last forever! After a couple of hours, you can go home and recharge while quietly enjoying a good book or a happy holiday movie!

#29. Introvert privilege? Hating on the meet-and-greet.

In a Facebook group catering to Christian introverts, I invited comment on what they thought about meet-and-greet times in church. The reaction? Well, in short, it’s not just disliked, it’s loathed!

What it is

The meet-and-greet is that time during the service when everything stops and someone up front instructs us to “turn to the people on your left and right, behind you and in front of you, and greet them and I don't want you to just say ‘Hi!’ or shake their hand but tell them that there's good news and that there's nothing God can't do and then maybe tell them your name as well and.....” on it goes.

This is an actual instruction given in my church one Sunday. I agree it’s a tad much. The leader doing the instructing is a well-intentioned extrovert.

An introvert leader might say simply, “Turn and greet those around you.” We like to keep things simple.

A little history

This activity grew from the “passing of the peace” that seems to have started in the Catholic church. Over the decades it’s been adopted into mostly more liturgy-leaning churches, such as Presbyterian, Lutheran, Episcopal, and so on. Congregants are simply supposed to approach those near them, shake hands, and say, “The peace of Christ.” It’s a form of blessing.

Evangelical churches, snubbing formality and embracing chaos, have adapted this into the meet-and-greet time. It’s viewed as a way to ensure newcomers are acknowledged and allow people to see who is sitting around them. You never know who slipped in late.

The goal is essentially to offer acknowledgement and encourage sociability. Each church has their own rationale and process.

On the fence

I’m ambivalent about the practice. As an introvert, it’s sometimes a bit challenging to greet strangers. On the other hand, I do want to get to know people in our church (it’s big). And I understand the importance of making newcomers feel welcomed. But some question if this is the most effective way to address newcomers.

At any rate, I can roll with it and sometimes even really get into it.

Survey says!

Thom Rainer is an expert on church revitalization and author of books such as Autopsy of a Deceased Church and Anatomy of a Revived Church. Some years ago he surveyed those inside and outside the church on various aspects of churchgoing. One thing that popped out is that 6 out of 10 church members and 9 out of 10 visitors don’t like the meet-and-greet!

So, there is data to back up the dislike of the practice. Yet, it persists. In fact, as Rainer writes about in one of his books, pastors discontinue doing it at their own peril.

People are definitely fickle. We don’t like doing it but don’t dare not let us!

Back to my introvert friends

As I said earlier, many claiming the title of introvert literally loathe the practice. Some hate it so much they’ve left their church for another that had no meet-and-greets!

This seems a little excessive to me, even for those who are very introverted. I’m guessing there’s more going on in these situations but won’t speculate here.

Here are some other comments:

• I refuse to allow someone to make me feel guilty for feeling [being uncomfortable doing this].
• I just go to the bathroom in order to avoid it.
• To me it is a forced friendliness that is fake and uncomfortable.
• They seem phony to me.
• I think it's the forced concept of it that makes us uncomfortable.
•  Greeting needs to be organic, in context, MEANINGFUL. Not a game of Simon Says.

You get the drift. In addition to being viewed as phony and forced, other choice descriptors I've heard include manipulative, controlling, hypocritical, and choreographed.

But the most offered reason for avoiding the meet-and-greet is, “It makes me uncomfortable.”

Discomfort is not always a bad thing

In this sad day and age of widespread abuse happening in churches, when something makes us uncomfortable, we do need to pay attention. We then need to discern if the discomfort is being caused by something genuinely harmful, or rather, is an opportunity for spiritual growth.

If it is something harmful, we need to speak out about it and get it addressed.

But if it’s merely something that is causing our spiritual muscles to be stretched, that’s pushing us past the edges of our comfy existence, that is the Holy Spirit nudging us to do something we wouldn’t normally choose to do, then we need to pay attention and view it as good discomfort.

Genuine spiritual growth and the process of maturity is seldom comfortable.

The danger of introvert privilege

There is danger in thinking or saying, “Because I’m an introvert I will not do this or that thing.”

We introverts are already too often viewed as reclusive, standoffish, rude, anti-social, and more because of how we are shaped as introverts.

If we react so vehemently and negatively to something as simple as taking two minutes to shake hands with a couple of people next to us during a church service, then we give power to those wrong labels. We make them legitimate.

People look at our reticence toward greeting others and declare, “See! I told you they didn’t like people and are stuck-up snobs!”

We know we’re not snobs, but our less-than-selfless behavior can make us look like we are.

A better approach

One introvert commenter understands that we are called to connect, even as introverts. She wrote, “If being an introvert has you hovering in the corner of your pew every Sunday, I challenge you to get out of that seat, seek out one person who looks like they need a friend, and go speak to them. Smile and say ‘Good Morning!’ like you mean it.”

In other words, see and acknowledge someone else the way you’d like someone else to see and acknowledge you. Just one person. It’s okay to not greet the entire congregation.

Plus, keep this in mind. Once the meet-and-greet is done, you get to sit quietly in the darkened sanctuary listening to the sermon for 20, 40, or 60 minutes and recover from those two minutes of extroverting.

Jesus commanded us to love one another. John reminds us to not love only “in word or speech, but in action and in truth” (1 John 3:18, CSB).

Being part of the community of faith means, occasionally, doing good things that make us feel a little uncomfortable. Greeting one or two people around us for two minutes on Sunday morning is a small thing that can reap big rewards.

For us, we get to express Christian love and hospitality in a safe place for a short time. For those we greet, we offer the blessing of acknowledging and seeing them. In time, the discomfort will fade as the joy of connection grows.

 

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.  

#28. The Gish gallop life of introverts

Gish gallop is a debating technique that aims to overwhelm an opponent by spouting argument after argument in rapid fire with no particular regard for the accuracy of the arguments. It recalls the “broadsides” strategy in old ship-to-ship warfare where all the cannons facing the enemy are set off at the same time.

Introverts deal with something similar daily. Too much information (stimulus) aimed at us at one time, interruptions, or several people talking at once can hit us like a Gish gallop and overwhelm us.

Wired differently

Introvert brains are wired and function differently than extrovert brains.

In her book The Powerful Purpose of Introverts, author Holly Gerth explains, “An introvert’s primary [brain] pathway is longer, more complex, and internally focused. An extrovert’s primary pathway is shorter, more straightforward, and externally focused.” Introverts also pull from long-term memory “taking into consideration the past, present, and future.”

For introverts, our thoughts move methodically through our minds like a ship through the Panama canal. For extroverts, it’s more like a ride on a short slip-‘n-slide.

Add to this that unlike extroverts whose nervous system thrives on dopamine, a stimulant, Gerth says, “Too much dopamine [from external stimulation] makes introverts feel anxious, then exhausted” and needing a nap.

In introverts “acetylcholine, another neurotransmitter, is more active.” Acetylcholine and other “feel good” chemicals are released in an introvert’s brain, Gerth says, “when we turn inward, focus on ideas, have meaningful conversations, and do work that matters to us.”

Broken dams, juggling, and train wrecks

In Minnesota, the Rapidan Dam partially failed due to flooding. Images on TV showed debris piled against the dam clogging the water gates which caused increased pressure on the dam. This is a good visual of how it feels to be an introvert being confronted by a lot of information at once.

When information is being fed to an introvert, even if everything makes perfect sense, it can feel like a Gish gallop as each bit has to be sorted and processed. It’s a little like trying to juggle while more items are tossed at us that we also need to keep in the air.

Interruptions and distractions are a little different but can be just as uncomfortable. Introverts tend to be deeply engaged when we are writing, thinking, reading, or doing whatever it is we are doing. We are often holding several ideas or pieces of ideas in our head at once.

Think of these ideas as train cars. We need to get them in the right order, connected, aligned on the track, identify which is the lead to pull the other thoughts along, and which is the closing “caboose.” If interrupted, all the cars can go flying! Once the interruption passes, we’ve got to start over, find all the cars, get them lined up, etc. Sometimes an idea (one of the cars) can be totally lost due to an interruption.

Managing floods and derailings

So how do we introverts manage information and interruptions?

For handling information…

·       Take notes. In meetings, listen intently and take the best notes you can. You may need to develop your own shorthand to keep up. If someone else is taking minutes, make sure to get a copy after the meeting.

·       Record the meeting. If possible, record the meeting so you can play it back later to review the discussion. Be sure to ask permission first.

·       Ask questions. Even if you know the answer, ask a question. This allows you to process and slow down the meeting. Often your question will trigger others to ask questions giving you even more time to process what’s been said so far since the ensuing discussion is processing the info in real time!

·       Deflect when asked a question. If you are asked a question in a meeting and you’re not sure how to answer, just say, “I need some time to think about it.” There’s nothing wrong in not providing an instant answer.

For handling interruptions…

·       Know they will happen. Interruptions and distractions are going to happen. Acknowledging this can help soften the impact when they pop-up unwelcomed.

·       Delay when possible. If someone needs your attention, ask them to wait a moment as you finish what you’re doing or come to a good stopping point.

·       Give it your full attention. Resisting interruptions can extend them. Byturning your full attention to the interruption, you can more quickly address the issue and then turn back to what you were doing.

·       Ask not to be disturbed. Letting people know you need quiet, focused time is not unreasonable. Put up a sign that you’re on a deadline. Tell people you need to concentrate on your project. Set certain hours when you’re not available.

Seek grace, give grace

Gerth summarizes saying, as introverts, “We’re not slow thinkers; we’re deep thinkers.” Going deep takes longer when processing information and formulating responses. It also means interruptions can have a more significant impact.

This has nothing to do with IQ. And it’s not something introverts can “just get over.” It’s how God has “knit us together” for His purpose.

We can seek grace from others by helping them understand the differences between introverts and extroverts.

Being an introvert means life can sometimes feel like an endless Gish gallop. This is the life God has placed us in, meaning he’s also equipped us to manage. It’s challenging sometimes, but the best response is always the grace-filled response. And then carving out some quiet time to recover!

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.  

#27. Big is not better or the introvert way

Commencement and political speeches often exhort listeners to “go out there and change the world! Now!” While the intent is to inspire, changing the whole wide world all a once is a tad daunting. Couple this challenge with the mantra to “Go big or go home!” -- introverts would likely choose home. And that’s not a bad thing.

Many churches, organizations, and people focus on the big thing, the huge gesture, the over-the-top-everybody-all-at-once outreach -- and the tiny details be damned. But details are critical. Just ask any introvert who will likely say, “Let’s stop and think about this a minute.”

Big is overrated. Small is beautiful. In his book, Reversed Thunder, Eugene Peterson writes, "All day long we are doing eternally important things without knowing it." This is the introvert’s life! We excel at doing the little things quietly that others tend to not see or simply discount.

Introverts love process, breaking out the huge and complex into smaller, simpler bits, taming chaos step by patient step, understanding incremental change can yield a stronger foundation.

Still, many impatiently think the way to significance is to make a big splash all at once right now. Few actually accomplish this. Even “overnight” sensations will tell you that it took years to achieve their big breakthrough. The reality is that true “flash in the pan” stars tend to fade quickly into obscurity.

Prior to the 2019 fire, when visiting the Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris, what visitors saw was an awesome, inspiring, and beautiful cathedral. After the fire, what suddenly came to light were the painstaking details that went into the construction of the cathedral over hundreds of years. It was a lot of very little things that added up to the one big thing.

While we serve a vast Kingdom, most are seldom called to do “big all-at-once things.” Even when this happens, God often tones down our idea of how to do this thing to something smaller that makes it clear that He did it through us. Just ask Gideon.

Or David. When looking at the big picture, it’s important not to lose the details. Sometimes, a carefully considered and chosen stone can, used just right, change the world.

For we introverts, a better saying could be, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!” We also take comfort in such biblical passages as “Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin…” (Zechariah 4:10, NLT).

What many deem insignificant, introverts view as infinitely valuable. Just as Jesus did.

In Matthew 25:35-36, Jesus explains how to change the world: “‘For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink; I was a stranger and you took me in; I was naked and you clothed me; I was sick and you took care of me; I was in prison and you visited me’” (CSB).

These “little” things of offering a glass of water, seeing people others overlook, attending to the vital small stuff others eschew, pointing out potential pitfalls others ignore, pausing a moment while others rush on, these are “eternally important things” that reveal the deep value and strength of introverts.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed. 

#26. A now for a moment of silence

When discussion in a group gets quiet, people get nervous. The tendency for leaders is to immediately start speaking to “fill the gap.” As an introvert, it’s kind of fun to watch, but also a little annoying. Especially when the leader jumps in and answers their own questions!

If you are a small group leader, the odds are 50-50 that there are introverts in your group. And those introverts have a lot to say when given the time to process the discussion and share their thoughts.

Silence is not a bad thing. It provides an opportunity for introverts to reflect and process the discussion. It’s in moments of silence that we are able to formulate a comment or question.

Here are five tips for small group leaders modified slightly from an article I wrote some years ago for the American Bible Society Bible Engagement Leadership Blog on “How to lead introverts into Bible engagement”:

1. Tolerate the natural silences and gaps in discussion times. In these moments, an introvert can gather his or her thoughts and muster up the courage to speak. Be patient.

2. In fact, you might go a step further and create time for reflection in group meetings. Give people a chance to write down answers to a key question. Or just give a minute of thinking time after you’ve asked a question before beginning the discussion.

3. Pay attention to the introverts and check in with us to see if we have something to share. Read our face and body language to discern a desire to speak up. If we appear terror-stricken or don’t make eye contact, check in with someone else.

4. Avoid insisting that we say something. Be careful about going around a circle and having everyone respond in turn. That could strike terror in our hearts.

5. Keep in mind we might have something to say later. Circle back at the end of meetings to pick up comments that might not have been ready earlier. Again, don’t be afraid of the silence as you wait for us to speak up.

We are a society that tends to fill up every moment with action and noise. Sadly, eliminating silence can deafen us to the whispers of the Holy Spirit. Stifling silence in small group discussions can, ironically, silence the wisdom of those in the room we most need to hear from. Tolerating and even inviting silence into our day-to-day lives and into our small group discussions can yield big rewards.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#25. Introvert countenance, or The face God gave me

It’s not unusual for someone to ask me some variation of the question, “What’s wrong?” Frequently their concern comes from looking at my face. My “resting introvert face” you could call it. Or, as I like to say, it’s the face God gave me!

I don’t smile a lot. At least not those big toothy grins the portrait photographers try to coax out of us. It’s not that I don’t countenance jocularity, just that my smile is usually more of a Mona Lisa enigmatic expression. Looking back over photos of me at various ages, that’s the smile you’ll see most. With some exceptions.

Given that introverts are often lost in thought, our faces can tend to go blank-ish. Or even reflect whatever we’re mentally mulling over. As a result people look at us and assume there must be something wrong!

Nope. Not at all. In fact it’s a little annoying to be asked this question so often. But I get it that it’s hard for others to understand this is just how introverts look when we are perfectly content.

In addition to the “What’s wrong?” question, the “What are you thinking?” query pops up a lot. Generally this one leaves us looking stunned and perplexed. We aren’t sure how to answer the question and so freeze hoping that if we don’t move the questioner will just go away.

What we are thinking is complicated! And it’s seldom about one thing or even about anything clearly defined. To talk about what we’re thinking can interrupt our thinking and we are loathe to do that!

An introvert’s head is never quiet. Let me give you a little glimpse into the mind of an introvert that can yield the “resting introvert face”:

•  Mulling – It’s easy for something to catch our attention and send us into a sort of reverie. It could be a line from a book we’re reading, a scripture verse from our devotional time, something happening outside the window, an idea for an article or poem, or something the pastor said in his sermon. Anything we are seeing or hearing can trigger deep, meandering thought. Creative types tend to be this way as well. Introvert creatives amp it up a bit.

• Sorting – Dealing with the normal to-dos of life or even working on a project can lead to a need to sort things out, to identify priorities, to get the ducks aligned. It’s like managing a mental whiteboard with magnetic cards on which tasks or other information appears. We’re constantly moving the mental magnetic cards around into new arrangements as circumstances shift and new information arrives.

• Recalling – This can be pleasant or not so much so. Most people enjoy recalling pleasant moments from their past. For introverts, what often comes to mind, sometimes almost intrusively, are those moments we’d like to forget. For instance, that time in 1976 when we waved at a person we thought was a friend but it was a stranger and we had to pretend we actually knew them when they asked who we were and we felt so foolish and stupid and are re-experiencing those discomfiting emotions even now. Introverts are a little like elephants in this regard. We seldom forget a mistake, misstep, or embarrassing blunder.

• Processing – This is kind of like more intentional mulling combined with sorting usually occurring in real time. It happens a lot when taking in information during a meeting. We’re trying to understand what’s being said while evaluating it against our experience and knowledge, and at the same time form a response that makes sense and will be useful. Usually the response comes to mind about a half-dozen more agenda items into the meeting. And, yes, we’re also trying to process those other agenda items as well. When an introvert speaks up in a meeting, it’s never “off the top” of their head; it’s coming from much deeper.
  
  
• Solving – We're faced with a problem or something needing repair, etc. and are mentally engaged in running various scenarios to find the solution or best approach. It may take days but we'll get to the fix eventually.
  

While we’re quiet on the outside, the inside of an introvert’s head can be a very noisy place. Our faces may seem passive or disinterested, but our hearts and minds are fully engaged. And we’re fine with that. So the answer to the question “What’s wrong?” truly is “Nothing.” Usually.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

 

#24. Introverts in community

The common fallacy that often mischaracterizes introverts is that we don’t like to be around people. That we just want to be alone all the time. Not so! For all followers of Jesus, community is necessary. Eugene Peterson, writing in his book Reversed Thunder, states, “A believing community is the context for the life of faith.”

In fact, in the early church, when a new epistle arrived, Peterson explains, that taking the scroll to “read in the privacy of their own rooms is not for a moment imagined.” The epistles were read out loud and discussed in community with everyone gathered together.

Today, while it’s perfectly okay to have private devotionals each morning and daily Bible study on your own, true isolation is still not an option for believers. Even for introverts.

While introverts generally enjoy being around others, being alone is also very comfortable. The social media challenges that pop up now and then, asking if you could live on a desert island for a month for a million dollars is a no-brainer for us! Of course we could. And for free.

So, it’s important for us to manage our alone time, ensuring we mix it up with our fellow believers regularly.

In Introverts in the Church (2^nd ed.), Adam McHugh writes, “It’s in community that we learn how to love, how to serve, how to listen, how to forgive.” And the oft quoted verse, Hebrews 10:25, cautions “do not forsake assembling together.”

How do we do this? By being intentional about regularly getting together with other believers. Here are four ways to accomplish this.

Weekly church. Sundays are important. This is the Lord’s Day, and we are most glad in it when we are with our brothers and sisters at church. In church we hear the word of God, worship, learn, and sing together. The idea of “assembling” mentioned in Hebrews holds a double meaning. Individually, the pressures of the work week can make us feel disassembled spiritually and scattered emotionally. Assembling with the body on Sundays is a good way to reassemble our own lives. Wholeness is found in fellowship. And fellowship is best when it’s in-person. Watching a service online is fine now and then. But it’s not the same as being together with the body of Christ. All who are physically able need to get out of the house and into church on Sunday.

Small groups. While seeing everyone on Sundays is great, small groups allow for more intimacy. It’s in a small group that we can really get to know a few others, as well as let ourselves be known. It’s in a small group where questions lingering from the Sunday sermon can be answered. Where you can engage in deeper conversations about faith and the Bible. Where vital relationships can be established and nurtured. Small groups don’t have to be big or formal programs. Years ago, I was invited to hang out weekly with three other men. The four of us met at a local Starbucks to share what was happening in our lives, talk about life, and pray for one another. Some weeks, because of commitments, only two of us made it. It was exactly what I needed during that time in my life. If you can’t find a group to be part of, find a couple of “kindred spirits” and start your own group.

Service. Serving is essential for good spiritual health. When we accept Christ, the Holy Spirit imparts to everyone at least one spiritual gift. The gifts are meant for the building up of the body of Christ. Serving can be as simple as sending encouraging notes, or more intense such as teaching a weekly Sunday school class. For example, my wife and I have only been attending our current church for about a year. As we attended each Sunday, we listened as needs were mentioned, attended a Sunday connect group, and got to know as many people as we could. Now, my wife (the extrovert) is helping in children's and women’s ministry. I (the introvert) am writing sermon discussion guides as well as helping in men’s ministry and our Sunday connect group. And we are hosting and leading a weekly small group in our home. There are a million and one ways to serve. Find at least one thing you can do and do it for the glory of the Lord.

Friends. A great way for an introvert to grow is to make an extrovert friend. Where introverts want to slow things down, extroverts tend to be full speed ahead. Getting together can be a good way to even out the extremes. Extroverts can learn the value of solitude and meditation on the Word from introverts. Introverts can become more understanding of and patient with extroverts by hanging out together. But we all need someone we can turn to for advice, encouragement, and accountability. Introverts need at least one close friend they can see on a regular basis.

The bottom line for we introverts is that we need others in our lives and we need to leave home now and then to connect with those others. Peterson cautions, “The gospel is never for individuals, but always for people. Sin fragments us, separates us, and sentences us to solitary confinement. Gospel restores us, unites us, and sets us in community.”

We only “get it together” when we are together.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

 

#23. Introvert aliens

Sting’s popular song laments that he’s “an alien, a legal alien in New York.” I grew up as an alien of sorts, as an introvert in a Pentecostal church.

The small First Assembly of God church in New Castle, Indiana is the place I learned about and practiced early faith in Jesus. Like those who click their car remote multiple times to ensure extra “lockiness,” I accepted Christ into my heart early and often to ensure adequate holiness. Responding to the call each Sunday in children’s church, I and my friends were taking no chances!

I value my heritage and the aunts, uncles, and others who poured themselves into my life and the lives of others. Overall, it was a good and blessed experience and I’m proud to be a CK (church kid).

Still, as I’ve written about before, growing up as an introvert in a Pentecostal setting is not without its challenges.

Vocal praise, raising hands, praying out loud, and going up front to the altar frequently did not feed into my God-given inclinations. While I loved watching my grandmother dance joyfully in the Spirit, my preference was to sit quietly.

The good thing is that I’m perfectly comfortable sitting in a Charismatic service. Unlike some of my non-Pentecostal friends who get wide-eyed and a little freaked out at the thought.

Still, as a kid, it was a little hurtful to be given the spiritual side-eye when I wasn’t as exuberant as others. Inevitably, I wondered if something was wrong with me. As an adult I learned that, no, my reaction wasn’t wrong, just different. And that was okay. I’m not alone in this kind of experience.

In a recent interaction on social media about introverts in church, Danielle said, "I’m all for the freedom of worship, and I know that some people’s personality leads them to be more demonstrative and exuberant in worship and prayer, which is great. But unfortunately, there’s often a mentality in those environments that if you don’t worship or pray that way, it’s somehow less powerful or sincere. Or even worse, you’re judged to not love God as deeply or to be too full of pride to be seen 'really' worshiping. As a kid I used to be so jealous of the musicians on stage because they could just stand there and play their instrument, and yet they were not considered unspiritual."

The point? God made each of us with unique personalities. Some tend toward boisterousness in worship. Some lean into quieter, more meditative worship. Both are good and right. To insist that the only “true” way to worship is always demonstrative is to disrespect God’s creation. We need to respect and cherish the different personality styles that God has placed within His body, the Church.

To insist that the quiet among us be loud or deemed unspiritual is nothing short of bullying.

The reality is that as followers of Jesus, we’re all aliens in this world (1 Pet 2:11) and need each other, because within the Kingdom of God we "are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household" (Ephesians 2:12, NIV).

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#22. No, that’s not what an introvert is!

In a recent interaction on social media about introverts in church, Wayne queried, “If I'm introverted why would I be involved in any social circle, why would I post anything? Why would I raise my hand? Why would I bring attention to myself?”

Several of us quickly responded, trying to explain that this isn’t how introversion works. Unfortunately, the malformed idea that being an introvert means being a reticent recluse still persists.

Let’s look at the four parts of Wayne’s question: social interaction, sharing ideas, being assertive, and seeking attention.

Social interaction: What Wayne was asking is, if someone is an introvert, how could they engage in social interaction? The simple answer is that introverts are not shy wall-flowers. Many assume that introversion is synonymous with shyness. Not so! Even extroverts can be shy. Timidity and shyness are fear-based behaviors that can be addressed and changed. Introversion and extroversion are personality styles that are hard-baked into us. Introverts do enjoy and even seek out social interaction. We like people, we like to talk with people, we enjoy being around people. The difference is that we don’t enjoy large groups of people all at once, or extended interactions. These are activities that drain our energy. After we’ve enjoyed someone’s company for awhile, we need to retreat and recharge in solitude for a time. And then, we’re happy to reengage!

Sharing ideas: Often, because we tend to be quiet, introverts are viewed as not having anything to share. Not true! Ideas, opinions, comments and more are always churning in our brains. In fact, inside our heads is often a very noisy place! We have a lot to say, it just takes us more time to formulate how we want to say it. Social media is actually a good place for us to share. It allows us to post our thoughts in writing when we feel they are fully formed. We can also take our time to respond to any reactions to our post.

Being assertive: Related to sharing our ideas, we introverts, over time, learn that to be heard in a group – for example, in a department meeting at work – we need to be a little assertive. Being quiet in general can lead to us being overlooked when we have something to share. This means we have to put ourselves out there a bit, raise our hand, and even sometimes raise our voices a little in order to be seen and heard. It’s a challenge for us, but it is something we can do when it’s important to us. We can be quietly persistent until we’re noticed and allowed to share our thoughts. Later, we’ll go home and take a nap since being assertive really drains our emotional and physical batteries!

Seeking attention: On the other hand, we aren’t big on seeking the recognition spotlight. While, like anyone, we appreciate being acknowledged for our contributions, we don’t need to be fussed over. Receiving an award for something is always nice, but having to get up in front of people and give a speech isn’t necessary. Yes, we will be quietly assertive as appropriate to get our ideas and opinions across, but then we’re happy to step back onto the sidelines where we can get to work. It’s a bonus when someone quietly mentions to us, “I see what you did. Good job!”

However, keep in mind that introversion is a range of behavior. Each person will vary in how they seek or avoid recognition, assert themselves, share ideas, and interact with others. Introversion is not one-size-fits-all!

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#21. Which is better?

 When I started writing this column, my wife read the first few drafts and asked me, “So, do you think introverts are better than extroverts?" While it's tempting to answer, "Of course!”—I mean, we all want to support our tribe, right?—the real answer is, "No, not at all.”

If my columns have given the impression that introverts are better than extroverts, forgive me for not being more clear. Both personality types are God-given and God-blessed. We need both styles being valued and nourished in our churches.

Unfortunately, in a lot of secular material on introverts, there’s often an edge to the tone implying “introverts-good; extroverts–bad.” While it’s important and useful to acknowledge different personality styles, we need to avoid clashes. As Christians, love bridges and fuels respect for the differences.

Let’s look at a few strengths of both styles and how these can complement each other.

Extrovert strengths

Multi-connectors. Extroverts tend to be able to connect more easily with a lot of people. A great way to leverage this strength is in greeting newcomers to a church.

Fast-thinkers. Extroverts generally think faster on their feet. In situations that require instant decisions and action, they are invaluable.

Go-getters. Extroverts are bent toward immediate action. Once strategies and goals are defined, they are key to ensuring what needs to get done gets done in a timely manner.

Introvert strengths

Deep-connectors. Introverts prefer to connect deeply and meaningfully with a very few people at a time. They can be excellent one-on-one disciplers and mentors.

Slow-thinkers. Introverts process information more slowly, examining issues from many angles, seeking to ensure they understand correctly. They can spot potential implementation issues that extroverts might miss.

Cautious-doers. Introverts tend to be careful and methodical when moving forward. While eager to see objectives get completed, they are also concerned that details not be overlooked.

Putting them together

Looking at these various strengths, how might introverts and extroverts work together?

Projects. Introverts can bring cautious consideration to large projects, while extroverts keep nudging the results forward. This will ensure that each step is completed properly and on time.

Music. With both personality styles on the worship team, this can ensure that the congregation is led in both exuberant praise as well as contemplative worship.

Leading. While extroverts can help encourage active fellowship in small groups, introverts can ensure deeper insights are shared and individuals aren’t overlooked.

We are all necessary

Ephesians 2:10 is well-known and oft-quoted. Here’s my slight paraphrasing of the verse: “For we are all – both introvert and extrovert – his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus, in God’s image, for good works, which God prepared ahead of time for us to do together.”

No, introverts are not better than extroverts. And neither are extroverts better than introverts. Both personality styles are God-created and God-blessed. For the body of Christ to function well, we need to work together, complementing one another’s styles, as we serve in his Kingdom on earth.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#20. No fear

Christian introverts are often mis-identified as being fearful, timid, or shy. A favorite verse tossed our way is 2 Timothy 1:7 that says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment” (CSB). We are then exhorted to be more “bold” like our extroverted brothers and sisters.

First, introversion is not a lack of boldness or a spirit of fear or shyness. Being an introvert is related to our energy, environment, and focus. (For more on these, see the 11/13/23 column, “Introvert essentials”).  

Second, being biblically bold isn’t about behaving in an extroverted manner. Often, when we talk about someone who is being bold, we add the connotations of extroversion. But when you look up the meaning of “bold,” words such as courageous, fearless, and confident populate the definition. What isn’t included in the definition are words such as loud, outgoing, or expressive. The reality is that you can be bold and quiet at the same time. Let’s look at a couple of examples from the New Testament.

Boldy approaching

Hebrews 4:16 encourages, “Therefore, let us approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in time of need” (CSB). The word translated as “boldness,” in the Greek can mean freedom to speak, to be open and frank, to share without ambiguity. In fact, some versions translate the word as confidence. There is no mention of anything such as exuberant, loud, forceful, or other adjectives that we often attribute to extroverts. In other words, being bold is not an exclusively extroverted behavior. God doesn’t need us to shout for us to be heard.

Boldy giving

At the end of Mark 12, Jesus points out to his disciples the quiet yet decisive act of a widow. We know this as the story of “The Widow’s Mite.” The full passage is found in verses 41-44: “Sitting across from the temple treasury, he watched how the crowd dropped money into the treasury. Many rich people were putting in large sums. Then a poor widow came and dropped in two tiny coins worth very little. Summoning his disciples, he said to them, ‘Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. For they all gave out of their surplus, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had—all she had to live on’” (CSB).

This widow made no show of what she was doing. No one else but Jesus knew what was happening. Yet, the widow was acting boldly in her quiet manner. With confidence, she gave what she had knowing God would provide what she needed.

Boldly seeking

In fact, Jesus cautions against inappropriate outward exuberance. In Luke 18:10-14 he shared the parable of the tax collector and the Pharisee. The Pharisee prayed in what we could label a “bold” manner, telling God all about his own goodness. The tax collector, however, was quiet and humble, yet boldly sought God’s forgiveness. Jesus concludes this parable stating, “everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”

In essence, Jesus is saying that the introverted behavior of the tax collector, in this instance, is more appropriate than the extroverted behavior of the Pharisee.

Both/and

Bold is not a synonym for extroversion. Both introverts and extroverts can be appropriately bold within the context of their personality type. To be bold merely means to be frank, open, unambiguous, confident, and honest. These are characteristics all Christians are called to exhibit, whether boisterously or quietly.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#19. So, how about those Mets?

Chit chat. Small talk. Water cooler conversation. Whatever you call it, generally speaking, introverts aren’t fans. We tend to avoid it.

We know it when we hear it. The topic may be sports, the weather, favorite foods, or other miscellany. The conversation that ensues remains shallow, even trivial, and often just plain boring.

But here’s the thing. It’s essential to building relationships. Yes, even introverts need relationships. Especially Christian introverts.

As followers of Christ who are active parts of his body, the Church, because we are introverts is not an excuse to avoid people and relationships. Being in relationship, doing what has been called “body life” in the church, is necessary for spiritual health and maturity.

God doesn’t call us to be loners in the faith

Hebrews 10:25 is the go-to verse that cautions against isolation, especially as a habit. Rather, it is in gathering together that we can find encouragement, fellowship, and strength for living godly lives day in and day out. Being on our own all the time is not healthy.

This means we need to engage in small talk to seed those very necessary holy relationships.

Adam McHugh writes in Introverts in the Church (2nd ed.), “the reality is that small talk is essential for building relationships; in small talk, we establish initial connections with others that we may wish to pursue further.”

It’s in initial chit chat that we learn basics about one another that become building blocks for a deeper relationship. In small talk we can share about ourselves in small bits, establish trust, and work slowly toward spiritual intimacy.

But how to do it? This can be challenging for introverts. Chit chat doesn’t come naturally to us. Since we tend to avoid it and don’t think fast as extroverts do, we can be at a loss for words.

Three tips for chit chat success

Here are three simple tips to help you survive and thrive with small talk:

1. Ask questions. The quickest way to get the attention off yourself and onto the other person is to ask a couple of questions. Ask about what they do for a living, where they live, where they went to school/college, how long they have been coming to this church, what they like about the church, and so on. Then listen carefully to their answers. What they tell you will hold clues to great follow-on questions you can ask. If you have a mutual interest, that is great fodder to keep things rolling.

2. Share about yourself. Simply echo the questions you’ve asked and share the same information about yourself. Feel free to only share as deeply as you feel comfortable doing. As you get to know the other person better, there will be plenty of opportune times to share more candidly from your heart. It’s okay to skim the surface at the start.

3. Trust the Spirit. This is our ace as Christians! The Holy Spirit in us connects us. In the Spirit, we find strength to share “against our nature,” to be sensitive as the Spirit prompts us about what to share and ask about, and He will guide us in sharing appropriately.

 The bottom line is this. As Christian introverts, we will need to pull back from people and recharge alone. But we are not loners. We are called to be active, participating, giving, and receiving believers within the larger fellowship of believers. Fellowship is not an option, it’s a requirement.

So, how about those Mets?

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.