#20. No fear

Christian introverts are often mis-identified as being fearful, timid, or shy. A favorite verse tossed our way is 2 Timothy 1:7 that says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment” (CSB). We are then exhorted to be more “bold” like our extroverted brothers and sisters.

First, introversion is not a lack of boldness or a spirit of fear or shyness. Being an introvert is related to our energy, environment, and focus. (For more on these, see the 11/13/23 column, “Introvert essentials”).  

Second, being biblically bold isn’t about behaving in an extroverted manner. Often, when we talk about someone who is being bold, we add the connotations of extroversion. But when you look up the meaning of “bold,” words such as courageous, fearless, and confident populate the definition. What isn’t included in the definition are words such as loud, outgoing, or expressive. The reality is that you can be bold and quiet at the same time. Let’s look at a couple of examples from the New Testament.

Boldy approaching

Hebrews 4:16 encourages, “Therefore, let us approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in time of need” (CSB). The word translated as “boldness,” in the Greek can mean freedom to speak, to be open and frank, to share without ambiguity. In fact, some versions translate the word as confidence. There is no mention of anything such as exuberant, loud, forceful, or other adjectives that we often attribute to extroverts. In other words, being bold is not an exclusively extroverted behavior. God doesn’t need us to shout for us to be heard.

Boldy giving

At the end of Mark 12, Jesus points out to his disciples the quiet yet decisive act of a widow. We know this as the story of “The Widow’s Mite.” The full passage is found in verses 41-44: “Sitting across from the temple treasury, he watched how the crowd dropped money into the treasury. Many rich people were putting in large sums. Then a poor widow came and dropped in two tiny coins worth very little. Summoning his disciples, he said to them, ‘Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. For they all gave out of their surplus, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had—all she had to live on’” (CSB).

This widow made no show of what she was doing. No one else but Jesus knew what was happening. Yet, the widow was acting boldly in her quiet manner. With confidence, she gave what she had knowing God would provide what she needed.

Boldly seeking

In fact, Jesus cautions against inappropriate outward exuberance. In Luke 18:10-14 he shared the parable of the tax collector and the Pharisee. The Pharisee prayed in what we could label a “bold” manner, telling God all about his own goodness. The tax collector, however, was quiet and humble, yet boldly sought God’s forgiveness. Jesus concludes this parable stating, “everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”

In essence, Jesus is saying that the introverted behavior of the tax collector, in this instance, is more appropriate than the extroverted behavior of the Pharisee.

Both/and

Bold is not a synonym for extroversion. Both introverts and extroverts can be appropriately bold within the context of their personality type. To be bold merely means to be frank, open, unambiguous, confident, and honest. These are characteristics all Christians are called to exhibit, whether boisterously or quietly.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#19. So, how about those Mets?

Chit chat. Small talk. Water cooler conversation. Whatever you call it, generally speaking, introverts aren’t fans. We tend to avoid it.

We know it when we hear it. The topic may be sports, the weather, favorite foods, or other miscellany. The conversation that ensues remains shallow, even trivial, and often just plain boring.

But here’s the thing. It’s essential to building relationships. Yes, even introverts need relationships. Especially Christian introverts.

As followers of Christ who are active parts of his body, the Church, because we are introverts is not an excuse to avoid people and relationships. Being in relationship, doing what has been called “body life” in the church, is necessary for spiritual health and maturity.

God doesn’t call us to be loners in the faith

Hebrews 10:25 is the go-to verse that cautions against isolation, especially as a habit. Rather, it is in gathering together that we can find encouragement, fellowship, and strength for living godly lives day in and day out. Being on our own all the time is not healthy.

This means we need to engage in small talk to seed those very necessary holy relationships.

Adam McHugh writes in Introverts in the Church (2nd ed.), “the reality is that small talk is essential for building relationships; in small talk, we establish initial connections with others that we may wish to pursue further.”

It’s in initial chit chat that we learn basics about one another that become building blocks for a deeper relationship. In small talk we can share about ourselves in small bits, establish trust, and work slowly toward spiritual intimacy.

But how to do it? This can be challenging for introverts. Chit chat doesn’t come naturally to us. Since we tend to avoid it and don’t think fast as extroverts do, we can be at a loss for words.

Three tips for chit chat success

Here are three simple tips to help you survive and thrive with small talk:

1. Ask questions. The quickest way to get the attention off yourself and onto the other person is to ask a couple of questions. Ask about what they do for a living, where they live, where they went to school/college, how long they have been coming to this church, what they like about the church, and so on. Then listen carefully to their answers. What they tell you will hold clues to great follow-on questions you can ask. If you have a mutual interest, that is great fodder to keep things rolling.

2. Share about yourself. Simply echo the questions you’ve asked and share the same information about yourself. Feel free to only share as deeply as you feel comfortable doing. As you get to know the other person better, there will be plenty of opportune times to share more candidly from your heart. It’s okay to skim the surface at the start.

3. Trust the Spirit. This is our ace as Christians! The Holy Spirit in us connects us. In the Spirit, we find strength to share “against our nature,” to be sensitive as the Spirit prompts us about what to share and ask about, and He will guide us in sharing appropriately.

 The bottom line is this. As Christian introverts, we will need to pull back from people and recharge alone. But we are not loners. We are called to be active, participating, giving, and receiving believers within the larger fellowship of believers. Fellowship is not an option, it’s a requirement.

So, how about those Mets?

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#18. Statistically speaking

For introverts, it often seems like extroverts rule the world and everything in it. The reality is not straightforward. Some studies (mostly older ones) say that one-in-three people are introverts. Others (more recent) indicate it’s about a fifty-fifty split. In fact, a few give introverts an edge by a slight partial percentage saying 50.7 of us are the quiet ones.

Regardless of the actual split, extroverts, by their noisier nature, can make it feel like a world in which introverts are often sidelined. This should not be the case, especially in church! Yet, as Adam McHugh writes in Introverts in the Church (2nd ed.), the ideal of church engagement often means “the more activities and social interaction a person engaged in, the closer she was to God.”

In other words, the more extroverted you behave the more accepted you are and holy you seem. Growing up in Pentecostal church, I can relate well to this. McHugh opens his book asking the question, “Can introverts thrive in the church?’

The short answer is—or should be—yes! But getting to that yes can sometimes be a circuitous challenge, even though introverts are in the statistical majority. Here are two practical yet significant ways churches can help their introverted members feel welcome and comfortable. If you are a leader in your church, please take these to heart.

1. See us. This requires an adjustment of perspective and preference. It simply means acknowledging that introverts are made in God’s image as much as are extroverts. Understanding that personality differences exist and are God-given is a crucial first and big step to validating your introvert brothers and sisters in the Lord.

Avoid promoting a message that being exuberant, outgoing, or visibly “bold” is somehow more spiritual or desirable. Holiness is fueled and worship can be expressed through quiet contemplation, silent prayer, and calm reflection. Both styles are needed for the overall health and stability of the church.

God created introverts and extroverts to complement one another, not to be in competition with each another. How an introvert lives out a specific gift will be different from how an extrovert will express that same gift. This is a good thing!

Simply put, louder is not better and quieter is not bad. Both have their place and should be valued and encouraged.

What’s the result when outgoing behavior is lauded and those who are unassertive sidelined? Those of us who are quiet feel unseen and unvalued. It becomes difficult to not feel resentful. A prevailing message of “loud is good and quiet is bad” is a sign of a potentially unhealthy church.

2. Tell us. This one is a little easier. Introverts thrive on information. Due diligence helps us to be confident and not feel stupid as we navigate new environments. The more information an introvert can arm themselves with, the more comfortable they will be participating.

Something as simple as keeping your church website and app up to date will go a long way to helping us find our place in your church. Be relentless in doing this!

Make sure the posted calendar includes all that’s happening with full details. Double-check links to ensure they are working. If changes have been made, get them posted ASAP.

When announcing a new event, be clear about who it is targeted to. If it’s aimed at parents with kids, make that abundantly obvious. Don’t hesitate to over-communicate about what’s happening, where it’s happening, who is invited, and so on.

Encourage leaders to keep small group details accurate and complete wherever the information is posted online or in print. This will make it easier for introverts (and extroverts!) to engage in these groups. Never assume “everyone knows” about an event or where it’s happening, because there will always be someone who doesn’t.

Taking these two guidelines to heart will help ensure the introverts in your church can thrive and feel valued.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#17. Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!

A simple way to spot introverts in a group is to pay attention to those who do not raise their hands, don’t make eye contact, or don’t speak up spontaneously. In other words, you’ll likely never see an introvert wave their hand and demand to be called on! Nope.

It can be tough for an introvert in a small group Bible study or fellowship group. We care about people. We love the Lord. We are passionate about our faith. Albeit we are all of these quietly. In a group, things are not so quiet.

Here are a few suggestions to help you, as an introvert, to become an integral part of a small group.

1. Research and make connections ahead of time. Learn as much about the group as possible before you attend. If it’s a church Bible study, check their website to see if there’s a description and maybe a list of group attendees. A lot of churches now have apps where all of this information is located. Try to connect with the leader of the group or one member and ask them how the group operates. Not only does this give you inside info up front, but now you’ll know at least one person in the group when you visit the first time.

2. It’s okay to be quiet. Being the newbie in a group can be intimidating. Not only do you not know most of the people around you, but there’s often a lot of chatter and activity, especially before the group gets going. In other words, you’re getting hit with a lot of stimuli all at once which can be off-putting. Feel free to find a place to sit and then quietly observe. This will allow your mind to settle. Even better if you can sit next to the person you connected with earlier.

3. Know yourself. Understanding your introversion can help you feel comfortable in a new situation. You understand that, just because you’re quiet, that doesn't mean you have nothing of value to contribute. You understand that it takes time for you to form a clear thought you feel comfortable sharing. In other words, there is nothing wrong with being quiet and observant.

4. Listen and observe. As the group gets rolling and the discussion starts, listen to what’s shared. Assess who the dominant speakers are and note the other quiet ones. It’s rare in a small group for you to be the only introvert! At the next meeting, pick one of the quiet ones to sit next to. You can be allies and support each other.

5. Share when you’re ready. Just because the group has moved on from a topic doesn’t mean that you can’t share later. Often, near the end of the meeting, a leader will ask if anyone has any additional thoughts. This is your cue to speak up. Say something like, “I’d like to go back to a topic we talked about earlier,” and then share your thought. You may be surprised that someone else, as other discussion was occurring, had been mulling a similar thought. Your contribution will be valued. Just remember when you speak to lift your head and project your voice confidently. And if you don’t share, that’s okay, too.

In her article, 5 Myths About Introverts in Small Groups*, Amy Jackson says about introverts that we are “an incredible asset to your group.”  And you are! It takes time to feel comfortable in a new situation. While you’re working on settling in those around you are trying to figure you out as well. Let them know you’re an introvert. Educate them gently on what that means. By doing so, you not only help yourself acclimate to the group, but you’re also helping those around you to become more aware and accepting of personality differences.

 

*Note: This is a great article for group leaders and the website, SmallGroups.com, is an excellent source of helps for small groups.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed. 

#16. Welcoming introverts to church

Relocating always brings with it a lot of finding “new” everything. You have to find new doctors, new dentists, new veterinarians, new hair stylists, and on and on. It can be a tedious process. The one new thing that’s always a huge challenge for me is finding a new church.

Stimulation overload

Churches do their best to be welcoming but it can be a mixed bag. While some barely acknowledge newcomers, others go a little overboard. There are people waving at you as you pull into the parking lot. People holding the church door open for you and saying hello all at once. And still more inside waiting to guide you through the greeting gauntlet.

For an introvert, so many interactions before even making it into the sanctuary can be overwhelming. Especially when some of the greeters are exceedingly extroverted. These are the ones who want to hug you, pepper you with questions, while simultaneously greeting their friends coming in, handing you literature about the church, and providing directions to the bathrooms, coffee, and sanctuary, all with an early-morning, over-caffeinated  perkiness.

But wait! There’s more!

Sometimes the greeter at the door tips off the roaming greeters that newbies are here. They spot you, follow you to your seat, and stand hovering over you, with more questions, chatting, and giving information about the church.

We introverts are thinking, “Can we please just lower the lights and focus on the worship now!” But then the music starts, the smoke rolls, and the volume comes on strong. With all the stimulation you struggle to remember why you’re at church to begin with.

Then comes the dreaded meet-and-greet time. This is time when you are expected to look around you, say hello to all nearby, shake their hands, and then, often, step out of your row and continue to greet and be greeted by others for what seems like an eternity.

“Will the madness never stop?” we introverts wonder.

As a newcomer or visitor, these kinds of interactions wear me down. I’m truly glad when it all ends and the sermon starts. I know that now, for several minutes, I don’t have to interact with anyone, can focus on the message, and do a sort of mini-recharge.

A few tips for welcoming introverts

Introverts love being quietly acknowledged when visiting a new church. Here are some tips for doing just that:

1. Mirror the newcomers. Greeters should pay attention to how people respond when they are greeted and mirror that behavior. If the person is quiet, greet them quietly and let them move on.

2. Back off and be brief. In the sanctuary, don’t hover. If you want to greet a newbie, take a seat in front of them to chat at their level. Keep the interaction short.

3. Tone it down. Why is everything always so loud? Does the music really have to be as loud as you have it? Loud music and bright lights can be off-putting for introverts. Soften it down a bit.

4. Keep it simple. At meet and greet, simply encourage people to greet those around them. Don’t complicate it by telling people to find five other people they don’t know to share a 30 second life story. Allow people to greet one another as they are comfortable doing.

Churches love when new people show up. The tendency is to go all out to acknowledge them and make them feel appreciated. With introverts, less is more. Say hello to us, let us know you’re available if we have questions, then wait for us to come to you later. A quiet greeting will make us feel very warmly welcomed.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#15. Introverts in small groups

“Hi. My name is Stephen. I’m an introvert. It’s been three days since I’ve spoken to anyone, and that makes me happy. Please go away now.”

Is this how you think of introverts? If so, you’re wrong. Well, wrong-ish.

I am an introvert and I like people.

Thinking and thinking again before speaking

Most know that introverts need to get away from the crowds to recharge and that we often need time to process our responses. But have you thought about how introversion affects the experience of group Bible study?

For example, in a small group, when the floor is open for discussion, while extroverts jump right in with comments, we introverts are still processing our thoughts. In fact, by the time we’ve formed a response we’re comfortable sharing, discussion time is often over and the leader is saying the closing prayer.

These are sad times for us because we really had a pithy and winsome insight to share.

No, introverts are not slow, just more intricate thinkers. We carefully weigh things mentally, or as I like to say, mull. When we finally share it’s important to us that what we share is meaningful and accurate.

As Val Nelson states on the Quiet Revolution website, “Introverts prefer to think before speaking, to take in a lot of information about what’s happening in the room, and to integrate all that into a new contribution. All that internal processing doesn’t happen instantly, but it’s important, and it brings a valuable perspective to the conversation.”

Introverts may be slow to speak, but when we do, you’ll want to pause and listen.

Let’s pause for a moment of silence

As Adam McHugh suggests in his insightful book Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture, many churches reward extroversion which makes introverts feel out of place, creating “environments that are intimidating and unnatural for introverts.”

What can you do to reverse that trend in your own small group ministry? How can you make sure you’re not leaving the quiet ones behind? And how can you help them contribute to a group Bible study process? Here are some tips:

1. Tolerate the natural silences and gaps in discussion times. In these moments, an introvert can gather his or her thoughts and muster up the courage to speak. Be patient.

2. Create time for reflection in group meetings. Give people a chance to write down answers to a key question. Or just give a minute of thinking time before beginning a discussion.

3. Pay attention to the introverts and check in with us to see if we have something to share. Read our face and body language to discern a desire to speak up. If we appear terror-stricken or don’t make eye contact, check in with someone else.

4. Avoid insisting that we say something. Be careful about going around a circle and having everyone respond in turn. That could strike terror in our hearts.

5. Keep in mind we might have something to say later. Circle back at the end of meetings to pick up comments that might not have been ready earlier. Again, don’t be afraid of the silence as you wait for us to speak up.

The first sentence in McHugh’s book asks, “Can introverts thrive in the church?” The answer must be, “Yes!” Why? Because we are all created in God’s image and are called to be contributing vital parts of the Body of Christ.

For those of us who are introverts, this may mean giving us a little quiet space as we express ourselves in the way God shaped us. 

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#14. Three things introverts fear

Being an introvert anywhere can be a challenge. Even in church! Every Sunday, those of us who are regular church-goers, experience trials that strain our introverted hearts. Here are three things that introverts in the church tend to dread at least a little.

Please come forward

Growing up in a small Pentecostal church, altar calls were practically the norm. And if you didn’t go forward, then it was assumed your soul was in mortal danger. But any time the pastor asks people to come forward, or up on the stage – or platform, chancel, or whatever your church calls it – this causes an introvert’s heart to palpitate.

Sometimes you’re asked to come forward to be recognized for something. That’s nice, but generally, introverts tend to avoid the spotlight, especially when it means being exposed in front of a lot of people. Sending us a nice card, email, or text is perfectly fine. But feel free to acknowledge us from the front while we remain in our seats. That’s nice, too.

Akin to being asked up front – and just as nerve-wracking – is to be a visitor in a church and asked to stand to be recognized. In a large church you can just remain seated and all is well. In a small church, everyone knows you’re a visitor and there’s no place to hide!

Turn and greet those around you

I like people and appreciate knowing who it is sitting near me. But still, this one is a tad taxing. If it’s just a smile and a quick handshake, great. I’ll stand in place and rotate to reach those immediately nearby. But when the person up front starts instructing us to, “Get out of your row and greet everyone around you and tell them they are loved by God and then share something wonderful that happened to you this week and then….” It’s at times such as these I suddenly feel the need to head to the restroom. Or get a second cup of coffee.

Form a circle of 3 or 4 for prayer

This is the coup de grâce for introverts. It’s especially stressful when you’re a visitor in a church and you don’t know another soul around you. Yes, I know, we’re all brothers and sisters in the Lord, but still, this is a toughie. Just the awkwardness of figuring out who gets included in a group is daunting. But then, holding strangers’ hands, taking the time to hear requests, and then actually praying out loud, can be overwhelming. This is the stuff that makes palms sweaty and minds go blank!

Please be kind!

I’m being just a tad tongue-in-cheek. Still, these examples are more appealing to extroverts than introverts.

To those who are in charge up front, please be sensitive to your quieter fellow believers in the pews. If you feel impressed to call people to the front, make it optional for those who would prefer to stay in their seats. Don’t put them on the spot. Keep the meet-and-greet instructions simple and basic. And leave the spontaneous huddle-up prayer groups for those events when you know everyone present and are certain they’ll be comfortable.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.