#18. Statistically speaking

For introverts, it often seems like extroverts rule the world and everything in it. The reality is not straightforward. Some studies (mostly older ones) say that one-in-three people are introverts. Others (more recent) indicate it’s about a fifty-fifty split. In fact, a few give introverts an edge by a slight partial percentage saying 50.7 of us are the quiet ones.

Regardless of the actual split, extroverts, by their noisier nature, can make it feel like a world in which introverts are often sidelined. This should not be the case, especially in church! Yet, as Adam McHugh writes in Introverts in the Church (2nd ed.), the ideal of church engagement often means “the more activities and social interaction a person engaged in, the closer she was to God.”

In other words, the more extroverted you behave the more accepted you are and holy you seem. Growing up in Pentecostal church, I can relate well to this. McHugh opens his book asking the question, “Can introverts thrive in the church?’

The short answer is—or should be—yes! But getting to that yes can sometimes be a circuitous challenge, even though introverts are in the statistical majority. Here are two practical yet significant ways churches can help their introverted members feel welcome and comfortable. If you are a leader in your church, please take these to heart.

1. See us. This requires an adjustment of perspective and preference. It simply means acknowledging that introverts are made in God’s image as much as are extroverts. Understanding that personality differences exist and are God-given is a crucial first and big step to validating your introvert brothers and sisters in the Lord.

Avoid promoting a message that being exuberant, outgoing, or visibly “bold” is somehow more spiritual or desirable. Holiness is fueled and worship can be expressed through quiet contemplation, silent prayer, and calm reflection. Both styles are needed for the overall health and stability of the church.

God created introverts and extroverts to complement one another, not to be in competition with each another. How an introvert lives out a specific gift will be different from how an extrovert will express that same gift. This is a good thing!

Simply put, louder is not better and quieter is not bad. Both have their place and should be valued and encouraged.

What’s the result when outgoing behavior is lauded and those who are unassertive sidelined? Those of us who are quiet feel unseen and unvalued. It becomes difficult to not feel resentful. A prevailing message of “loud is good and quiet is bad” is a sign of a potentially unhealthy church.

2. Tell us. This one is a little easier. Introverts thrive on information. Due diligence helps us to be confident and not feel stupid as we navigate new environments. The more information an introvert can arm themselves with, the more comfortable they will be participating.

Something as simple as keeping your church website and app up to date will go a long way to helping us find our place in your church. Be relentless in doing this!

Make sure the posted calendar includes all that’s happening with full details. Double-check links to ensure they are working. If changes have been made, get them posted ASAP.

When announcing a new event, be clear about who it is targeted to. If it’s aimed at parents with kids, make that abundantly obvious. Don’t hesitate to over-communicate about what’s happening, where it’s happening, who is invited, and so on.

Encourage leaders to keep small group details accurate and complete wherever the information is posted online or in print. This will make it easier for introverts (and extroverts!) to engage in these groups. Never assume “everyone knows” about an event or where it’s happening, because there will always be someone who doesn’t.

Taking these two guidelines to heart will help ensure the introverts in your church can thrive and feel valued.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#17. Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!

A simple way to spot introverts in a group is to pay attention to those who do not raise their hands, don’t make eye contact, or don’t speak up spontaneously. In other words, you’ll likely never see an introvert wave their hand and demand to be called on! Nope.

It can be tough for an introvert in a small group Bible study or fellowship group. We care about people. We love the Lord. We are passionate about our faith. Albeit we are all of these quietly. In a group, things are not so quiet.

Here are a few suggestions to help you, as an introvert, to become an integral part of a small group.

1. Research and make connections ahead of time. Learn as much about the group as possible before you attend. If it’s a church Bible study, check their website to see if there’s a description and maybe a list of group attendees. A lot of churches now have apps where all of this information is located. Try to connect with the leader of the group or one member and ask them how the group operates. Not only does this give you inside info up front, but now you’ll know at least one person in the group when you visit the first time.

2. It’s okay to be quiet. Being the newbie in a group can be intimidating. Not only do you not know most of the people around you, but there’s often a lot of chatter and activity, especially before the group gets going. In other words, you’re getting hit with a lot of stimuli all at once which can be off-putting. Feel free to find a place to sit and then quietly observe. This will allow your mind to settle. Even better if you can sit next to the person you connected with earlier.

3. Know yourself. Understanding your introversion can help you feel comfortable in a new situation. You understand that, just because you’re quiet, that doesn't mean you have nothing of value to contribute. You understand that it takes time for you to form a clear thought you feel comfortable sharing. In other words, there is nothing wrong with being quiet and observant.

4. Listen and observe. As the group gets rolling and the discussion starts, listen to what’s shared. Assess who the dominant speakers are and note the other quiet ones. It’s rare in a small group for you to be the only introvert! At the next meeting, pick one of the quiet ones to sit next to. You can be allies and support each other.

5. Share when you’re ready. Just because the group has moved on from a topic doesn’t mean that you can’t share later. Often, near the end of the meeting, a leader will ask if anyone has any additional thoughts. This is your cue to speak up. Say something like, “I’d like to go back to a topic we talked about earlier,” and then share your thought. You may be surprised that someone else, as other discussion was occurring, had been mulling a similar thought. Your contribution will be valued. Just remember when you speak to lift your head and project your voice confidently. And if you don’t share, that’s okay, too.

In her article, 5 Myths About Introverts in Small Groups*, Amy Jackson says about introverts that we are “an incredible asset to your group.”  And you are! It takes time to feel comfortable in a new situation. While you’re working on settling in those around you are trying to figure you out as well. Let them know you’re an introvert. Educate them gently on what that means. By doing so, you not only help yourself acclimate to the group, but you’re also helping those around you to become more aware and accepting of personality differences.

 

*Note: This is a great article for group leaders and the website, SmallGroups.com, is an excellent source of helps for small groups.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed. 

#16. Welcoming introverts to church

Relocating always brings with it a lot of finding “new” everything. You have to find new doctors, new dentists, new veterinarians, new hair stylists, and on and on. It can be a tedious process. The one new thing that’s always a huge challenge for me is finding a new church.

Stimulation overload

Churches do their best to be welcoming but it can be a mixed bag. While some barely acknowledge newcomers, others go a little overboard. There are people waving at you as you pull into the parking lot. People holding the church door open for you and saying hello all at once. And still more inside waiting to guide you through the greeting gauntlet.

For an introvert, so many interactions before even making it into the sanctuary can be overwhelming. Especially when some of the greeters are exceedingly extroverted. These are the ones who want to hug you, pepper you with questions, while simultaneously greeting their friends coming in, handing you literature about the church, and providing directions to the bathrooms, coffee, and sanctuary, all with an early-morning, over-caffeinated  perkiness.

But wait! There’s more!

Sometimes the greeter at the door tips off the roaming greeters that newbies are here. They spot you, follow you to your seat, and stand hovering over you, with more questions, chatting, and giving information about the church.

We introverts are thinking, “Can we please just lower the lights and focus on the worship now!” But then the music starts, the smoke rolls, and the volume comes on strong. With all the stimulation you struggle to remember why you’re at church to begin with.

Then comes the dreaded meet-and-greet time. This is time when you are expected to look around you, say hello to all nearby, shake their hands, and then, often, step out of your row and continue to greet and be greeted by others for what seems like an eternity.

“Will the madness never stop?” we introverts wonder.

As a newcomer or visitor, these kinds of interactions wear me down. I’m truly glad when it all ends and the sermon starts. I know that now, for several minutes, I don’t have to interact with anyone, can focus on the message, and do a sort of mini-recharge.

A few tips for welcoming introverts

Introverts love being quietly acknowledged when visiting a new church. Here are some tips for doing just that:

1. Mirror the newcomers. Greeters should pay attention to how people respond when they are greeted and mirror that behavior. If the person is quiet, greet them quietly and let them move on.

2. Back off and be brief. In the sanctuary, don’t hover. If you want to greet a newbie, take a seat in front of them to chat at their level. Keep the interaction short.

3. Tone it down. Why is everything always so loud? Does the music really have to be as loud as you have it? Loud music and bright lights can be off-putting for introverts. Soften it down a bit.

4. Keep it simple. At meet and greet, simply encourage people to greet those around them. Don’t complicate it by telling people to find five other people they don’t know to share a 30 second life story. Allow people to greet one another as they are comfortable doing.

Churches love when new people show up. The tendency is to go all out to acknowledge them and make them feel appreciated. With introverts, less is more. Say hello to us, let us know you’re available if we have questions, then wait for us to come to you later. A quiet greeting will make us feel very warmly welcomed.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#15. Introverts in small groups

“Hi. My name is Stephen. I’m an introvert. It’s been three days since I’ve spoken to anyone, and that makes me happy. Please go away now.”

Is this how you think of introverts? If so, you’re wrong. Well, wrong-ish.

I am an introvert and I like people.

Thinking and thinking again before speaking

Most know that introverts need to get away from the crowds to recharge and that we often need time to process our responses. But have you thought about how introversion affects the experience of group Bible study?

For example, in a small group, when the floor is open for discussion, while extroverts jump right in with comments, we introverts are still processing our thoughts. In fact, by the time we’ve formed a response we’re comfortable sharing, discussion time is often over and the leader is saying the closing prayer.

These are sad times for us because we really had a pithy and winsome insight to share.

No, introverts are not slow, just more intricate thinkers. We carefully weigh things mentally, or as I like to say, mull. When we finally share it’s important to us that what we share is meaningful and accurate.

As Val Nelson states on the Quiet Revolution website, “Introverts prefer to think before speaking, to take in a lot of information about what’s happening in the room, and to integrate all that into a new contribution. All that internal processing doesn’t happen instantly, but it’s important, and it brings a valuable perspective to the conversation.”

Introverts may be slow to speak, but when we do, you’ll want to pause and listen.

Let’s pause for a moment of silence

As Adam McHugh suggests in his insightful book Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture, many churches reward extroversion which makes introverts feel out of place, creating “environments that are intimidating and unnatural for introverts.”

What can you do to reverse that trend in your own small group ministry? How can you make sure you’re not leaving the quiet ones behind? And how can you help them contribute to a group Bible study process? Here are some tips:

1. Tolerate the natural silences and gaps in discussion times. In these moments, an introvert can gather his or her thoughts and muster up the courage to speak. Be patient.

2. Create time for reflection in group meetings. Give people a chance to write down answers to a key question. Or just give a minute of thinking time before beginning a discussion.

3. Pay attention to the introverts and check in with us to see if we have something to share. Read our face and body language to discern a desire to speak up. If we appear terror-stricken or don’t make eye contact, check in with someone else.

4. Avoid insisting that we say something. Be careful about going around a circle and having everyone respond in turn. That could strike terror in our hearts.

5. Keep in mind we might have something to say later. Circle back at the end of meetings to pick up comments that might not have been ready earlier. Again, don’t be afraid of the silence as you wait for us to speak up.

The first sentence in McHugh’s book asks, “Can introverts thrive in the church?” The answer must be, “Yes!” Why? Because we are all created in God’s image and are called to be contributing vital parts of the Body of Christ.

For those of us who are introverts, this may mean giving us a little quiet space as we express ourselves in the way God shaped us. 

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#14. Three things introverts fear

Being an introvert anywhere can be a challenge. Even in church! Every Sunday, those of us who are regular church-goers, experience trials that strain our introverted hearts. Here are three things that introverts in the church tend to dread at least a little.

Please come forward

Growing up in a small Pentecostal church, altar calls were practically the norm. And if you didn’t go forward, then it was assumed your soul was in mortal danger. But any time the pastor asks people to come forward, or up on the stage – or platform, chancel, or whatever your church calls it – this causes an introvert’s heart to palpitate.

Sometimes you’re asked to come forward to be recognized for something. That’s nice, but generally, introverts tend to avoid the spotlight, especially when it means being exposed in front of a lot of people. Sending us a nice card, email, or text is perfectly fine. But feel free to acknowledge us from the front while we remain in our seats. That’s nice, too.

Akin to being asked up front – and just as nerve-wracking – is to be a visitor in a church and asked to stand to be recognized. In a large church you can just remain seated and all is well. In a small church, everyone knows you’re a visitor and there’s no place to hide!

Turn and greet those around you

I like people and appreciate knowing who it is sitting near me. But still, this one is a tad taxing. If it’s just a smile and a quick handshake, great. I’ll stand in place and rotate to reach those immediately nearby. But when the person up front starts instructing us to, “Get out of your row and greet everyone around you and tell them they are loved by God and then share something wonderful that happened to you this week and then….” It’s at times such as these I suddenly feel the need to head to the restroom. Or get a second cup of coffee.

Form a circle of 3 or 4 for prayer

This is the coup de grâce for introverts. It’s especially stressful when you’re a visitor in a church and you don’t know another soul around you. Yes, I know, we’re all brothers and sisters in the Lord, but still, this is a toughie. Just the awkwardness of figuring out who gets included in a group is daunting. But then, holding strangers’ hands, taking the time to hear requests, and then actually praying out loud, can be overwhelming. This is the stuff that makes palms sweaty and minds go blank!

Please be kind!

I’m being just a tad tongue-in-cheek. Still, these examples are more appealing to extroverts than introverts.

To those who are in charge up front, please be sensitive to your quieter fellow believers in the pews. If you feel impressed to call people to the front, make it optional for those who would prefer to stay in their seats. Don’t put them on the spot. Keep the meet-and-greet instructions simple and basic. And leave the spontaneous huddle-up prayer groups for those events when you know everyone present and are certain they’ll be comfortable.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#13. Gideon (Part 2): Mistakes were made

In last week’s column, we discovered that it’s very likely Gideon was an introvert. We saw how, leading up to his decisive victory over the Midianites, he carefully sought clarification and reassurance from God. Without judgment, God provided what Gideon needed to build his confidence and ensure the right outcome. Unfortunately, Gideon later made some not-so-good decisions.

He is tired and feeling pressured

After successful conquests, with peace and safety restored, Gideon is ready to settle back into a quiet life. But the men of Israel press him to be their king, an opportunity he eschews.

I can imagine the introvert Gideon tired of having to be “on” for such a long time, just wanting to live out the rest of his life in peace. He’s fought a lot of hard, exhausting battles.

Tired introverts tend to make poor judgments, especially under pressure. And that’s what Gideon did. Instead of agreeing to be king, or suggesting everyone take a break so he could think things over, he rashly creates an “ephod” which was a kind of idol.

While the details are sketchy, Gideon takes this ephod and erects it in the city, perhaps in the same place where the altar to Baal he’d torn down a few years prior had stood. His intention may have been to create a visual reminder of all God had done for him and his people, but instead, the ephod became an object of worship and a “snare” to those who worshipped it.

He adapts to cultural customs

In the concluding verses of chapter 8, it’s noted that Gideon had “many” wives, a concubine, and at least 71 children. Only sons are mentioned so he probably had daughters as well. How, you wonder, could someone with such a large extended family be an introvert?

Simple. Introverts know how to adapt to and live within cultural expectations. This ability often causes introverts to be mistaken for being extroverts.

As the influential patriarch of his family, Gideon would have had control over his environment. In his culture and his time, the women watched the children and the men did what they wanted to. It would have been easy for him to manage ample times of solitude to recharge.

Still, being surrounded by so many people so much of the time added to his exhaustion and pressures.

He is sidelined by his people, but not by God

Sadly, after his death, “the people of Israel...did not show steadfast love to the family of Jerubbaal (that is, Gideon) in return for all the good that he had done to Israel” (Judges 8:34-35, ESV).

Talk about tossing the baby out with the bath water! But God viewed his situation differently.

Hebrews 11 is known as “the faith chapter.” In it, the writer lists heroic Old Testament characters. These are extraordinary individuals whose stories serve as examples to encourage and challenge our own faith.

Despite his faults, Gideon makes the cut.

Along with others, such as David and Samson (both marked by glaring flaws by the way), they and Gideon are described as having “through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight.”

He was a quiet leader used by God

The story of Gideon is a wonderful example of how God acknowledges different personality types, and, in this instance, shows how He deals patiently and encouragingly with an introvert. Gideon rose to the occasion as an exceptional leader.

He was not an extroverted, outgoing, charismatic, or flashy warrior. He was a quiet leader who faced a tremendous challenge successfully. He was not in it for his own glory. He was in it for the Lord’s glory, and to help his people.

Yes, introverts can be heroes, too. They may not be as visible as Gideon was in his day, but you probably know one. Or, maybe you are one.

Next week, we’ll take a somewhat tongue-in-cheek look at three things introverts dread in church!

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#12. Gideon (Part 1): He’s is no wimp!

Common labels too often attached to introverts include withholding, passive, cold, backward, bashful, cowardly, fearful, halting, hesitant, indecisive, shy, slow-witted, stand-offish, tentative, timid, and wimpy

Take, for instance, Gideon. His story shows up in Judges 6-8 and opens with him hiding in a winepress, secretly threshing wheat. Because of this isolated taken-out-of-context moment, he’s thought of as a cowering coward.

He is fully seen by God

But context is crucial. Gideon was hiding from marauding hordes of ruthless Midianites who “would come like locusts in number,” laying waste to the land, taking everything and anything they wanted by force.

Hiding in the winepress seems shrewd given the viciousness of those he was hiding from. In other words, typical wise introvert behavior.

God clearly doesn’t view him as a wimp since his messenger angel addresses Gideon as a “mighty man of valor.”

He seeks clarification

Gideon’s first reaction is typical of an introvert. He tells his angelic messenger, “Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold...I am the least....” His overall response is very introvert-like: Asking for more information to better assess what’s happening; Taking time to process the information; Seeking clarification to ensure he’s heard correctly.

Gideon is being instructed to go against savage hordes and save his entire people. True to his created nature, Gideon carefully weighed what was happening to avoid acting rashly.

He takes measured action

Gideon’s first task was to destroy an altar and idols Gideon’s father, Joash, had built to Baal, a false god. He plans, gathers trusted helpers, and waits until the whole town is asleep to do the deed, then quietly goes to bed when it’s done.

In true introvert fashion, Gideon recedes until someone points the finger at him. In the morning, after discovering his involvement, the townspeople demand that he be stoned. But Gideon escapes this close call thanks to Joash intervening.

This would have been a knee-knocker moment for Gideon or anyone. He was only inches away from being killed. But emboldened by the grace God administers through Joash, Gideon uses this success as encouragement to keep going.

He responds to the Holy Spirit

As the Midianites rally with their allies in preparation to ravage the land, Gideon is empowered with the Spirit of the Lord (aka the Holy Spirit) to sound a trumpet call to arms.

Following this burst of energetic enthusiasm, he has a reasonable crisis of faith and needs a little more reassurance. After all, he is about to confront a godless, head-lopping mob of thousands.

He seeks additional assurance

With reverence, humility, and respect Gideon seeks a visible sign from the Lord to ensure he’s heard correctly and is taking the proper course of action. He gets creative and sets out his fleece.

Some view this as “testing the Lord” and just another example of Gideon’s many flaws. As Tim Keller points out in the book Judges for You (The Good Book Company, 2013), “Gideon was very specifically asking God to show him that he was not one of the forces of nature. Gideon was not looking for ‘little signs’ to help him make a decision. He was really seeking to understand the nature of God. We have to remember that he did not have the Bible, nor many of ‘means of grace’ that we have now (the word, baptism and the Lord’s Supper, Christian fellowship). He was very specifically addressing the places where his faith was weak and uninformed.”

Gideon comes humbly before God seeking one final assurance. This is a natural expression of Gideon’s introvert temperament and personality. The Lord shows no anger or impatience with Gideon.

He takes bold action

Once reassured, Gideon asks for no more signs, but without hesitation does what is asked. And what he is asked to do next is pretty remarkable – to trim his fighting force from 32,000 to 300!

Later, again recognizing the person Gideon was and how he had created him, the Lord offers Gideon an opportunity to seek further reassurance even though Gideon didn’t ask.

God tells Gideon to go eavesdrop on the enemy camp. There, he hears a man reveal a dream predicting an Israelite victory, is spiritually bolstered, and without hesitation launches a massively successful assault with only 300 men.

Next week we’ll continue looking at Gideon the introvert.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.