#23. Introvert aliens

Sting’s popular song laments that he’s “an alien, a legal alien in New York.” I grew up as an alien of sorts, as an introvert in a Pentecostal church.

The small First Assembly of God church in New Castle, Indiana is the place I learned about and practiced early faith in Jesus. Like those who click their car remote multiple times to ensure extra “lockiness,” I accepted Christ into my heart early and often to ensure adequate holiness. Responding to the call each Sunday in children’s church, I and my friends were taking no chances!

I value my heritage and the aunts, uncles, and others who poured themselves into my life and the lives of others. Overall, it was a good and blessed experience and I’m proud to be a CK (church kid).

Still, as I’ve written about before, growing up as an introvert in a Pentecostal setting is not without its challenges.

Vocal praise, raising hands, praying out loud, and going up front to the altar frequently did not feed into my God-given inclinations. While I loved watching my grandmother dance joyfully in the Spirit, my preference was to sit quietly.

The good thing is that I’m perfectly comfortable sitting in a Charismatic service. Unlike some of my non-Pentecostal friends who get wide-eyed and a little freaked out at the thought.

Still, as a kid, it was a little hurtful to be given the spiritual side-eye when I wasn’t as exuberant as others. Inevitably, I wondered if something was wrong with me. As an adult I learned that, no, my reaction wasn’t wrong, just different. And that was okay. I’m not alone in this kind of experience.

In a recent interaction on social media about introverts in church, Danielle said, "I’m all for the freedom of worship, and I know that some people’s personality leads them to be more demonstrative and exuberant in worship and prayer, which is great. But unfortunately, there’s often a mentality in those environments that if you don’t worship or pray that way, it’s somehow less powerful or sincere. Or even worse, you’re judged to not love God as deeply or to be too full of pride to be seen 'really' worshiping. As a kid I used to be so jealous of the musicians on stage because they could just stand there and play their instrument, and yet they were not considered unspiritual."

The point? God made each of us with unique personalities. Some tend toward boisterousness in worship. Some lean into quieter, more meditative worship. Both are good and right. To insist that the only “true” way to worship is always demonstrative is to disrespect God’s creation. We need to respect and cherish the different personality styles that God has placed within His body, the Church.

To insist that the quiet among us be loud or deemed unspiritual is nothing short of bullying.

The reality is that as followers of Jesus, we’re all aliens in this world (1 Pet 2:11) and need each other, because within the Kingdom of God we "are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household" (Ephesians 2:12, NIV).

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#22. No, that’s not what an introvert is!

In a recent interaction on social media about introverts in church, Wayne queried, “If I'm introverted why would I be involved in any social circle, why would I post anything? Why would I raise my hand? Why would I bring attention to myself?”

Several of us quickly responded, trying to explain that this isn’t how introversion works. Unfortunately, the malformed idea that being an introvert means being a reticent recluse still persists.

Let’s look at the four parts of Wayne’s question: social interaction, sharing ideas, being assertive, and seeking attention.

Social interaction: What Wayne was asking is, if someone is an introvert, how could they engage in social interaction? The simple answer is that introverts are not shy wall-flowers. Many assume that introversion is synonymous with shyness. Not so! Even extroverts can be shy. Timidity and shyness are fear-based behaviors that can be addressed and changed. Introversion and extroversion are personality styles that are hard-baked into us. Introverts do enjoy and even seek out social interaction. We like people, we like to talk with people, we enjoy being around people. The difference is that we don’t enjoy large groups of people all at once, or extended interactions. These are activities that drain our energy. After we’ve enjoyed someone’s company for awhile, we need to retreat and recharge in solitude for a time. And then, we’re happy to reengage!

Sharing ideas: Often, because we tend to be quiet, introverts are viewed as not having anything to share. Not true! Ideas, opinions, comments and more are always churning in our brains. In fact, inside our heads is often a very noisy place! We have a lot to say, it just takes us more time to formulate how we want to say it. Social media is actually a good place for us to share. It allows us to post our thoughts in writing when we feel they are fully formed. We can also take our time to respond to any reactions to our post.

Being assertive: Related to sharing our ideas, we introverts, over time, learn that to be heard in a group – for example, in a department meeting at work – we need to be a little assertive. Being quiet in general can lead to us being overlooked when we have something to share. This means we have to put ourselves out there a bit, raise our hand, and even sometimes raise our voices a little in order to be seen and heard. It’s a challenge for us, but it is something we can do when it’s important to us. We can be quietly persistent until we’re noticed and allowed to share our thoughts. Later, we’ll go home and take a nap since being assertive really drains our emotional and physical batteries!

Seeking attention: On the other hand, we aren’t big on seeking the recognition spotlight. While, like anyone, we appreciate being acknowledged for our contributions, we don’t need to be fussed over. Receiving an award for something is always nice, but having to get up in front of people and give a speech isn’t necessary. Yes, we will be quietly assertive as appropriate to get our ideas and opinions across, but then we’re happy to step back onto the sidelines where we can get to work. It’s a bonus when someone quietly mentions to us, “I see what you did. Good job!”

However, keep in mind that introversion is a range of behavior. Each person will vary in how they seek or avoid recognition, assert themselves, share ideas, and interact with others. Introversion is not one-size-fits-all!

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#21. Which is better?

 When I started writing this column, my wife read the first few drafts and asked me, “So, do you think introverts are better than extroverts?" While it's tempting to answer, "Of course!”—I mean, we all want to support our tribe, right?—the real answer is, "No, not at all.”

If my columns have given the impression that introverts are better than extroverts, forgive me for not being more clear. Both personality types are God-given and God-blessed. We need both styles being valued and nourished in our churches.

Unfortunately, in a lot of secular material on introverts, there’s often an edge to the tone implying “introverts-good; extroverts–bad.” While it’s important and useful to acknowledge different personality styles, we need to avoid clashes. As Christians, love bridges and fuels respect for the differences.

Let’s look at a few strengths of both styles and how these can complement each other.

Extrovert strengths

Multi-connectors. Extroverts tend to be able to connect more easily with a lot of people. A great way to leverage this strength is in greeting newcomers to a church.

Fast-thinkers. Extroverts generally think faster on their feet. In situations that require instant decisions and action, they are invaluable.

Go-getters. Extroverts are bent toward immediate action. Once strategies and goals are defined, they are key to ensuring what needs to get done gets done in a timely manner.

Introvert strengths

Deep-connectors. Introverts prefer to connect deeply and meaningfully with a very few people at a time. They can be excellent one-on-one disciplers and mentors.

Slow-thinkers. Introverts process information more slowly, examining issues from many angles, seeking to ensure they understand correctly. They can spot potential implementation issues that extroverts might miss.

Cautious-doers. Introverts tend to be careful and methodical when moving forward. While eager to see objectives get completed, they are also concerned that details not be overlooked.

Putting them together

Looking at these various strengths, how might introverts and extroverts work together?

Projects. Introverts can bring cautious consideration to large projects, while extroverts keep nudging the results forward. This will ensure that each step is completed properly and on time.

Music. With both personality styles on the worship team, this can ensure that the congregation is led in both exuberant praise as well as contemplative worship.

Leading. While extroverts can help encourage active fellowship in small groups, introverts can ensure deeper insights are shared and individuals aren’t overlooked.

We are all necessary

Ephesians 2:10 is well-known and oft-quoted. Here’s my slight paraphrasing of the verse: “For we are all – both introvert and extrovert – his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus, in God’s image, for good works, which God prepared ahead of time for us to do together.”

No, introverts are not better than extroverts. And neither are extroverts better than introverts. Both personality styles are God-created and God-blessed. For the body of Christ to function well, we need to work together, complementing one another’s styles, as we serve in his Kingdom on earth.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#20. No fear

Christian introverts are often mis-identified as being fearful, timid, or shy. A favorite verse tossed our way is 2 Timothy 1:7 that says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment” (CSB). We are then exhorted to be more “bold” like our extroverted brothers and sisters.

First, introversion is not a lack of boldness or a spirit of fear or shyness. Being an introvert is related to our energy, environment, and focus. (For more on these, see the 11/13/23 column, “Introvert essentials”).  

Second, being biblically bold isn’t about behaving in an extroverted manner. Often, when we talk about someone who is being bold, we add the connotations of extroversion. But when you look up the meaning of “bold,” words such as courageous, fearless, and confident populate the definition. What isn’t included in the definition are words such as loud, outgoing, or expressive. The reality is that you can be bold and quiet at the same time. Let’s look at a couple of examples from the New Testament.

Boldy approaching

Hebrews 4:16 encourages, “Therefore, let us approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in time of need” (CSB). The word translated as “boldness,” in the Greek can mean freedom to speak, to be open and frank, to share without ambiguity. In fact, some versions translate the word as confidence. There is no mention of anything such as exuberant, loud, forceful, or other adjectives that we often attribute to extroverts. In other words, being bold is not an exclusively extroverted behavior. God doesn’t need us to shout for us to be heard.

Boldy giving

At the end of Mark 12, Jesus points out to his disciples the quiet yet decisive act of a widow. We know this as the story of “The Widow’s Mite.” The full passage is found in verses 41-44: “Sitting across from the temple treasury, he watched how the crowd dropped money into the treasury. Many rich people were putting in large sums. Then a poor widow came and dropped in two tiny coins worth very little. Summoning his disciples, he said to them, ‘Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. For they all gave out of their surplus, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had—all she had to live on’” (CSB).

This widow made no show of what she was doing. No one else but Jesus knew what was happening. Yet, the widow was acting boldly in her quiet manner. With confidence, she gave what she had knowing God would provide what she needed.

Boldly seeking

In fact, Jesus cautions against inappropriate outward exuberance. In Luke 18:10-14 he shared the parable of the tax collector and the Pharisee. The Pharisee prayed in what we could label a “bold” manner, telling God all about his own goodness. The tax collector, however, was quiet and humble, yet boldly sought God’s forgiveness. Jesus concludes this parable stating, “everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”

In essence, Jesus is saying that the introverted behavior of the tax collector, in this instance, is more appropriate than the extroverted behavior of the Pharisee.

Both/and

Bold is not a synonym for extroversion. Both introverts and extroverts can be appropriately bold within the context of their personality type. To be bold merely means to be frank, open, unambiguous, confident, and honest. These are characteristics all Christians are called to exhibit, whether boisterously or quietly.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#19. So, how about those Mets?

Chit chat. Small talk. Water cooler conversation. Whatever you call it, generally speaking, introverts aren’t fans. We tend to avoid it.

We know it when we hear it. The topic may be sports, the weather, favorite foods, or other miscellany. The conversation that ensues remains shallow, even trivial, and often just plain boring.

But here’s the thing. It’s essential to building relationships. Yes, even introverts need relationships. Especially Christian introverts.

As followers of Christ who are active parts of his body, the Church, because we are introverts is not an excuse to avoid people and relationships. Being in relationship, doing what has been called “body life” in the church, is necessary for spiritual health and maturity.

God doesn’t call us to be loners in the faith

Hebrews 10:25 is the go-to verse that cautions against isolation, especially as a habit. Rather, it is in gathering together that we can find encouragement, fellowship, and strength for living godly lives day in and day out. Being on our own all the time is not healthy.

This means we need to engage in small talk to seed those very necessary holy relationships.

Adam McHugh writes in Introverts in the Church (2nd ed.), “the reality is that small talk is essential for building relationships; in small talk, we establish initial connections with others that we may wish to pursue further.”

It’s in initial chit chat that we learn basics about one another that become building blocks for a deeper relationship. In small talk we can share about ourselves in small bits, establish trust, and work slowly toward spiritual intimacy.

But how to do it? This can be challenging for introverts. Chit chat doesn’t come naturally to us. Since we tend to avoid it and don’t think fast as extroverts do, we can be at a loss for words.

Three tips for chit chat success

Here are three simple tips to help you survive and thrive with small talk:

1. Ask questions. The quickest way to get the attention off yourself and onto the other person is to ask a couple of questions. Ask about what they do for a living, where they live, where they went to school/college, how long they have been coming to this church, what they like about the church, and so on. Then listen carefully to their answers. What they tell you will hold clues to great follow-on questions you can ask. If you have a mutual interest, that is great fodder to keep things rolling.

2. Share about yourself. Simply echo the questions you’ve asked and share the same information about yourself. Feel free to only share as deeply as you feel comfortable doing. As you get to know the other person better, there will be plenty of opportune times to share more candidly from your heart. It’s okay to skim the surface at the start.

3. Trust the Spirit. This is our ace as Christians! The Holy Spirit in us connects us. In the Spirit, we find strength to share “against our nature,” to be sensitive as the Spirit prompts us about what to share and ask about, and He will guide us in sharing appropriately.

 The bottom line is this. As Christian introverts, we will need to pull back from people and recharge alone. But we are not loners. We are called to be active, participating, giving, and receiving believers within the larger fellowship of believers. Fellowship is not an option, it’s a requirement.

So, how about those Mets?

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#18. Statistically speaking

For introverts, it often seems like extroverts rule the world and everything in it. The reality is not straightforward. Some studies (mostly older ones) say that one-in-three people are introverts. Others (more recent) indicate it’s about a fifty-fifty split. In fact, a few give introverts an edge by a slight partial percentage saying 50.7 of us are the quiet ones.

Regardless of the actual split, extroverts, by their noisier nature, can make it feel like a world in which introverts are often sidelined. This should not be the case, especially in church! Yet, as Adam McHugh writes in Introverts in the Church (2nd ed.), the ideal of church engagement often means “the more activities and social interaction a person engaged in, the closer she was to God.”

In other words, the more extroverted you behave the more accepted you are and holy you seem. Growing up in Pentecostal church, I can relate well to this. McHugh opens his book asking the question, “Can introverts thrive in the church?’

The short answer is—or should be—yes! But getting to that yes can sometimes be a circuitous challenge, even though introverts are in the statistical majority. Here are two practical yet significant ways churches can help their introverted members feel welcome and comfortable. If you are a leader in your church, please take these to heart.

1. See us. This requires an adjustment of perspective and preference. It simply means acknowledging that introverts are made in God’s image as much as are extroverts. Understanding that personality differences exist and are God-given is a crucial first and big step to validating your introvert brothers and sisters in the Lord.

Avoid promoting a message that being exuberant, outgoing, or visibly “bold” is somehow more spiritual or desirable. Holiness is fueled and worship can be expressed through quiet contemplation, silent prayer, and calm reflection. Both styles are needed for the overall health and stability of the church.

God created introverts and extroverts to complement one another, not to be in competition with each another. How an introvert lives out a specific gift will be different from how an extrovert will express that same gift. This is a good thing!

Simply put, louder is not better and quieter is not bad. Both have their place and should be valued and encouraged.

What’s the result when outgoing behavior is lauded and those who are unassertive sidelined? Those of us who are quiet feel unseen and unvalued. It becomes difficult to not feel resentful. A prevailing message of “loud is good and quiet is bad” is a sign of a potentially unhealthy church.

2. Tell us. This one is a little easier. Introverts thrive on information. Due diligence helps us to be confident and not feel stupid as we navigate new environments. The more information an introvert can arm themselves with, the more comfortable they will be participating.

Something as simple as keeping your church website and app up to date will go a long way to helping us find our place in your church. Be relentless in doing this!

Make sure the posted calendar includes all that’s happening with full details. Double-check links to ensure they are working. If changes have been made, get them posted ASAP.

When announcing a new event, be clear about who it is targeted to. If it’s aimed at parents with kids, make that abundantly obvious. Don’t hesitate to over-communicate about what’s happening, where it’s happening, who is invited, and so on.

Encourage leaders to keep small group details accurate and complete wherever the information is posted online or in print. This will make it easier for introverts (and extroverts!) to engage in these groups. Never assume “everyone knows” about an event or where it’s happening, because there will always be someone who doesn’t.

Taking these two guidelines to heart will help ensure the introverts in your church can thrive and feel valued.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#17. Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!

A simple way to spot introverts in a group is to pay attention to those who do not raise their hands, don’t make eye contact, or don’t speak up spontaneously. In other words, you’ll likely never see an introvert wave their hand and demand to be called on! Nope.

It can be tough for an introvert in a small group Bible study or fellowship group. We care about people. We love the Lord. We are passionate about our faith. Albeit we are all of these quietly. In a group, things are not so quiet.

Here are a few suggestions to help you, as an introvert, to become an integral part of a small group.

1. Research and make connections ahead of time. Learn as much about the group as possible before you attend. If it’s a church Bible study, check their website to see if there’s a description and maybe a list of group attendees. A lot of churches now have apps where all of this information is located. Try to connect with the leader of the group or one member and ask them how the group operates. Not only does this give you inside info up front, but now you’ll know at least one person in the group when you visit the first time.

2. It’s okay to be quiet. Being the newbie in a group can be intimidating. Not only do you not know most of the people around you, but there’s often a lot of chatter and activity, especially before the group gets going. In other words, you’re getting hit with a lot of stimuli all at once which can be off-putting. Feel free to find a place to sit and then quietly observe. This will allow your mind to settle. Even better if you can sit next to the person you connected with earlier.

3. Know yourself. Understanding your introversion can help you feel comfortable in a new situation. You understand that, just because you’re quiet, that doesn't mean you have nothing of value to contribute. You understand that it takes time for you to form a clear thought you feel comfortable sharing. In other words, there is nothing wrong with being quiet and observant.

4. Listen and observe. As the group gets rolling and the discussion starts, listen to what’s shared. Assess who the dominant speakers are and note the other quiet ones. It’s rare in a small group for you to be the only introvert! At the next meeting, pick one of the quiet ones to sit next to. You can be allies and support each other.

5. Share when you’re ready. Just because the group has moved on from a topic doesn’t mean that you can’t share later. Often, near the end of the meeting, a leader will ask if anyone has any additional thoughts. This is your cue to speak up. Say something like, “I’d like to go back to a topic we talked about earlier,” and then share your thought. You may be surprised that someone else, as other discussion was occurring, had been mulling a similar thought. Your contribution will be valued. Just remember when you speak to lift your head and project your voice confidently. And if you don’t share, that’s okay, too.

In her article, 5 Myths About Introverts in Small Groups*, Amy Jackson says about introverts that we are “an incredible asset to your group.”  And you are! It takes time to feel comfortable in a new situation. While you’re working on settling in those around you are trying to figure you out as well. Let them know you’re an introvert. Educate them gently on what that means. By doing so, you not only help yourself acclimate to the group, but you’re also helping those around you to become more aware and accepting of personality differences.

 

*Note: This is a great article for group leaders and the website, SmallGroups.com, is an excellent source of helps for small groups.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.