#26. A now for a moment of silence

When discussion in a group gets quiet, people get nervous. The tendency for leaders is to immediately start speaking to “fill the gap.” As an introvert, it’s kind of fun to watch, but also a little annoying. Especially when the leader jumps in and answers their own questions!

If you are a small group leader, the odds are 50-50 that there are introverts in your group. And those introverts have a lot to say when given the time to process the discussion and share their thoughts.

Silence is not a bad thing. It provides an opportunity for introverts to reflect and process the discussion. It’s in moments of silence that we are able to formulate a comment or question.

Here are five tips for small group leaders modified slightly from an article I wrote some years ago for the American Bible Society Bible Engagement Leadership Blog on “How to lead introverts into Bible engagement”:

1. Tolerate the natural silences and gaps in discussion times. In these moments, an introvert can gather his or her thoughts and muster up the courage to speak. Be patient.

2. In fact, you might go a step further and create time for reflection in group meetings. Give people a chance to write down answers to a key question. Or just give a minute of thinking time after you’ve asked a question before beginning the discussion.

3. Pay attention to the introverts and check in with us to see if we have something to share. Read our face and body language to discern a desire to speak up. If we appear terror-stricken or don’t make eye contact, check in with someone else.

4. Avoid insisting that we say something. Be careful about going around a circle and having everyone respond in turn. That could strike terror in our hearts.

5. Keep in mind we might have something to say later. Circle back at the end of meetings to pick up comments that might not have been ready earlier. Again, don’t be afraid of the silence as you wait for us to speak up.

We are a society that tends to fill up every moment with action and noise. Sadly, eliminating silence can deafen us to the whispers of the Holy Spirit. Stifling silence in small group discussions can, ironically, silence the wisdom of those in the room we most need to hear from. Tolerating and even inviting silence into our day-to-day lives and into our small group discussions can yield big rewards.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#25. Introvert countenance, or The face God gave me

It’s not unusual for someone to ask me some variation of the question, “What’s wrong?” Frequently their concern comes from looking at my face. My “resting introvert face” you could call it. Or, as I like to say, it’s the face God gave me!

I don’t smile a lot. At least not those big toothy grins the portrait photographers try to coax out of us. It’s not that I don’t countenance jocularity, just that my smile is usually more of a Mona Lisa enigmatic expression. Looking back over photos of me at various ages, that’s the smile you’ll see most. With some exceptions.

Given that introverts are often lost in thought, our faces can tend to go blank-ish. Or even reflect whatever we’re mentally mulling over. As a result people look at us and assume there must be something wrong!

Nope. Not at all. In fact it’s a little annoying to be asked this question so often. But I get it that it’s hard for others to understand this is just how introverts look when we are perfectly content.

In addition to the “What’s wrong?” question, the “What are you thinking?” query pops up a lot. Generally this one leaves us looking stunned and perplexed. We aren’t sure how to answer the question and so freeze hoping that if we don’t move the questioner will just go away.

What we are thinking is complicated! And it’s seldom about one thing or even about anything clearly defined. To talk about what we’re thinking can interrupt our thinking and we are loathe to do that!

An introvert’s head is never quiet. Let me give you a little glimpse into the mind of an introvert that can yield the “resting introvert face”:

•  Mulling – It’s easy for something to catch our attention and send us into a sort of reverie. It could be a line from a book we’re reading, a scripture verse from our devotional time, something happening outside the window, an idea for an article or poem, or something the pastor said in his sermon. Anything we are seeing or hearing can trigger deep, meandering thought. Creative types tend to be this way as well. Introvert creatives amp it up a bit.

• Sorting – Dealing with the normal to-dos of life or even working on a project can lead to a need to sort things out, to identify priorities, to get the ducks aligned. It’s like managing a mental whiteboard with magnetic cards on which tasks or other information appears. We’re constantly moving the mental magnetic cards around into new arrangements as circumstances shift and new information arrives.

• Recalling – This can be pleasant or not so much so. Most people enjoy recalling pleasant moments from their past. For introverts, what often comes to mind, sometimes almost intrusively, are those moments we’d like to forget. For instance, that time in 1976 when we waved at a person we thought was a friend but it was a stranger and we had to pretend we actually knew them when they asked who we were and we felt so foolish and stupid and are re-experiencing those discomfiting emotions even now. Introverts are a little like elephants in this regard. We seldom forget a mistake, misstep, or embarrassing blunder.

• Processing – This is kind of like more intentional mulling combined with sorting usually occurring in real time. It happens a lot when taking in information during a meeting. We’re trying to understand what’s being said while evaluating it against our experience and knowledge, and at the same time form a response that makes sense and will be useful. Usually the response comes to mind about a half-dozen more agenda items into the meeting. And, yes, we’re also trying to process those other agenda items as well. When an introvert speaks up in a meeting, it’s never “off the top” of their head; it’s coming from much deeper.
  
  
• Solving – We're faced with a problem or something needing repair, etc. and are mentally engaged in running various scenarios to find the solution or best approach. It may take days but we'll get to the fix eventually.
  

While we’re quiet on the outside, the inside of an introvert’s head can be a very noisy place. Our faces may seem passive or disinterested, but our hearts and minds are fully engaged. And we’re fine with that. So the answer to the question “What’s wrong?” truly is “Nothing.” Usually.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

 

#24. Introverts in community

The common fallacy that often mischaracterizes introverts is that we don’t like to be around people. That we just want to be alone all the time. Not so! For all followers of Jesus, community is necessary. Eugene Peterson, writing in his book Reversed Thunder, states, “A believing community is the context for the life of faith.”

In fact, in the early church, when a new epistle arrived, Peterson explains, that taking the scroll to “read in the privacy of their own rooms is not for a moment imagined.” The epistles were read out loud and discussed in community with everyone gathered together.

Today, while it’s perfectly okay to have private devotionals each morning and daily Bible study on your own, true isolation is still not an option for believers. Even for introverts.

While introverts generally enjoy being around others, being alone is also very comfortable. The social media challenges that pop up now and then, asking if you could live on a desert island for a month for a million dollars is a no-brainer for us! Of course we could. And for free.

So, it’s important for us to manage our alone time, ensuring we mix it up with our fellow believers regularly.

In Introverts in the Church (2^nd ed.), Adam McHugh writes, “It’s in community that we learn how to love, how to serve, how to listen, how to forgive.” And the oft quoted verse, Hebrews 10:25, cautions “do not forsake assembling together.”

How do we do this? By being intentional about regularly getting together with other believers. Here are four ways to accomplish this.

Weekly church. Sundays are important. This is the Lord’s Day, and we are most glad in it when we are with our brothers and sisters at church. In church we hear the word of God, worship, learn, and sing together. The idea of “assembling” mentioned in Hebrews holds a double meaning. Individually, the pressures of the work week can make us feel disassembled spiritually and scattered emotionally. Assembling with the body on Sundays is a good way to reassemble our own lives. Wholeness is found in fellowship. And fellowship is best when it’s in-person. Watching a service online is fine now and then. But it’s not the same as being together with the body of Christ. All who are physically able need to get out of the house and into church on Sunday.

Small groups. While seeing everyone on Sundays is great, small groups allow for more intimacy. It’s in a small group that we can really get to know a few others, as well as let ourselves be known. It’s in a small group where questions lingering from the Sunday sermon can be answered. Where you can engage in deeper conversations about faith and the Bible. Where vital relationships can be established and nurtured. Small groups don’t have to be big or formal programs. Years ago, I was invited to hang out weekly with three other men. The four of us met at a local Starbucks to share what was happening in our lives, talk about life, and pray for one another. Some weeks, because of commitments, only two of us made it. It was exactly what I needed during that time in my life. If you can’t find a group to be part of, find a couple of “kindred spirits” and start your own group.

Service. Serving is essential for good spiritual health. When we accept Christ, the Holy Spirit imparts to everyone at least one spiritual gift. The gifts are meant for the building up of the body of Christ. Serving can be as simple as sending encouraging notes, or more intense such as teaching a weekly Sunday school class. For example, my wife and I have only been attending our current church for about a year. As we attended each Sunday, we listened as needs were mentioned, attended a Sunday connect group, and got to know as many people as we could. Now, my wife (the extrovert) is helping in children's and women’s ministry. I (the introvert) am writing sermon discussion guides as well as helping in men’s ministry and our Sunday connect group. And we are hosting and leading a weekly small group in our home. There are a million and one ways to serve. Find at least one thing you can do and do it for the glory of the Lord.

Friends. A great way for an introvert to grow is to make an extrovert friend. Where introverts want to slow things down, extroverts tend to be full speed ahead. Getting together can be a good way to even out the extremes. Extroverts can learn the value of solitude and meditation on the Word from introverts. Introverts can become more understanding of and patient with extroverts by hanging out together. But we all need someone we can turn to for advice, encouragement, and accountability. Introverts need at least one close friend they can see on a regular basis.

The bottom line for we introverts is that we need others in our lives and we need to leave home now and then to connect with those others. Peterson cautions, “The gospel is never for individuals, but always for people. Sin fragments us, separates us, and sentences us to solitary confinement. Gospel restores us, unites us, and sets us in community.”

We only “get it together” when we are together.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

 

#23. Introvert aliens

Sting’s popular song laments that he’s “an alien, a legal alien in New York.” I grew up as an alien of sorts, as an introvert in a Pentecostal church.

The small First Assembly of God church in New Castle, Indiana is the place I learned about and practiced early faith in Jesus. Like those who click their car remote multiple times to ensure extra “lockiness,” I accepted Christ into my heart early and often to ensure adequate holiness. Responding to the call each Sunday in children’s church, I and my friends were taking no chances!

I value my heritage and the aunts, uncles, and others who poured themselves into my life and the lives of others. Overall, it was a good and blessed experience and I’m proud to be a CK (church kid).

Still, as I’ve written about before, growing up as an introvert in a Pentecostal setting is not without its challenges.

Vocal praise, raising hands, praying out loud, and going up front to the altar frequently did not feed into my God-given inclinations. While I loved watching my grandmother dance joyfully in the Spirit, my preference was to sit quietly.

The good thing is that I’m perfectly comfortable sitting in a Charismatic service. Unlike some of my non-Pentecostal friends who get wide-eyed and a little freaked out at the thought.

Still, as a kid, it was a little hurtful to be given the spiritual side-eye when I wasn’t as exuberant as others. Inevitably, I wondered if something was wrong with me. As an adult I learned that, no, my reaction wasn’t wrong, just different. And that was okay. I’m not alone in this kind of experience.

In a recent interaction on social media about introverts in church, Danielle said, "I’m all for the freedom of worship, and I know that some people’s personality leads them to be more demonstrative and exuberant in worship and prayer, which is great. But unfortunately, there’s often a mentality in those environments that if you don’t worship or pray that way, it’s somehow less powerful or sincere. Or even worse, you’re judged to not love God as deeply or to be too full of pride to be seen 'really' worshiping. As a kid I used to be so jealous of the musicians on stage because they could just stand there and play their instrument, and yet they were not considered unspiritual."

The point? God made each of us with unique personalities. Some tend toward boisterousness in worship. Some lean into quieter, more meditative worship. Both are good and right. To insist that the only “true” way to worship is always demonstrative is to disrespect God’s creation. We need to respect and cherish the different personality styles that God has placed within His body, the Church.

To insist that the quiet among us be loud or deemed unspiritual is nothing short of bullying.

The reality is that as followers of Jesus, we’re all aliens in this world (1 Pet 2:11) and need each other, because within the Kingdom of God we "are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household" (Ephesians 2:12, NIV).

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#22. No, that’s not what an introvert is!

In a recent interaction on social media about introverts in church, Wayne queried, “If I'm introverted why would I be involved in any social circle, why would I post anything? Why would I raise my hand? Why would I bring attention to myself?”

Several of us quickly responded, trying to explain that this isn’t how introversion works. Unfortunately, the malformed idea that being an introvert means being a reticent recluse still persists.

Let’s look at the four parts of Wayne’s question: social interaction, sharing ideas, being assertive, and seeking attention.

Social interaction: What Wayne was asking is, if someone is an introvert, how could they engage in social interaction? The simple answer is that introverts are not shy wall-flowers. Many assume that introversion is synonymous with shyness. Not so! Even extroverts can be shy. Timidity and shyness are fear-based behaviors that can be addressed and changed. Introversion and extroversion are personality styles that are hard-baked into us. Introverts do enjoy and even seek out social interaction. We like people, we like to talk with people, we enjoy being around people. The difference is that we don’t enjoy large groups of people all at once, or extended interactions. These are activities that drain our energy. After we’ve enjoyed someone’s company for awhile, we need to retreat and recharge in solitude for a time. And then, we’re happy to reengage!

Sharing ideas: Often, because we tend to be quiet, introverts are viewed as not having anything to share. Not true! Ideas, opinions, comments and more are always churning in our brains. In fact, inside our heads is often a very noisy place! We have a lot to say, it just takes us more time to formulate how we want to say it. Social media is actually a good place for us to share. It allows us to post our thoughts in writing when we feel they are fully formed. We can also take our time to respond to any reactions to our post.

Being assertive: Related to sharing our ideas, we introverts, over time, learn that to be heard in a group – for example, in a department meeting at work – we need to be a little assertive. Being quiet in general can lead to us being overlooked when we have something to share. This means we have to put ourselves out there a bit, raise our hand, and even sometimes raise our voices a little in order to be seen and heard. It’s a challenge for us, but it is something we can do when it’s important to us. We can be quietly persistent until we’re noticed and allowed to share our thoughts. Later, we’ll go home and take a nap since being assertive really drains our emotional and physical batteries!

Seeking attention: On the other hand, we aren’t big on seeking the recognition spotlight. While, like anyone, we appreciate being acknowledged for our contributions, we don’t need to be fussed over. Receiving an award for something is always nice, but having to get up in front of people and give a speech isn’t necessary. Yes, we will be quietly assertive as appropriate to get our ideas and opinions across, but then we’re happy to step back onto the sidelines where we can get to work. It’s a bonus when someone quietly mentions to us, “I see what you did. Good job!”

However, keep in mind that introversion is a range of behavior. Each person will vary in how they seek or avoid recognition, assert themselves, share ideas, and interact with others. Introversion is not one-size-fits-all!

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#21. Which is better?

 When I started writing this column, my wife read the first few drafts and asked me, “So, do you think introverts are better than extroverts?" While it's tempting to answer, "Of course!”—I mean, we all want to support our tribe, right?—the real answer is, "No, not at all.”

If my columns have given the impression that introverts are better than extroverts, forgive me for not being more clear. Both personality types are God-given and God-blessed. We need both styles being valued and nourished in our churches.

Unfortunately, in a lot of secular material on introverts, there’s often an edge to the tone implying “introverts-good; extroverts–bad.” While it’s important and useful to acknowledge different personality styles, we need to avoid clashes. As Christians, love bridges and fuels respect for the differences.

Let’s look at a few strengths of both styles and how these can complement each other.

Extrovert strengths

Multi-connectors. Extroverts tend to be able to connect more easily with a lot of people. A great way to leverage this strength is in greeting newcomers to a church.

Fast-thinkers. Extroverts generally think faster on their feet. In situations that require instant decisions and action, they are invaluable.

Go-getters. Extroverts are bent toward immediate action. Once strategies and goals are defined, they are key to ensuring what needs to get done gets done in a timely manner.

Introvert strengths

Deep-connectors. Introverts prefer to connect deeply and meaningfully with a very few people at a time. They can be excellent one-on-one disciplers and mentors.

Slow-thinkers. Introverts process information more slowly, examining issues from many angles, seeking to ensure they understand correctly. They can spot potential implementation issues that extroverts might miss.

Cautious-doers. Introverts tend to be careful and methodical when moving forward. While eager to see objectives get completed, they are also concerned that details not be overlooked.

Putting them together

Looking at these various strengths, how might introverts and extroverts work together?

Projects. Introverts can bring cautious consideration to large projects, while extroverts keep nudging the results forward. This will ensure that each step is completed properly and on time.

Music. With both personality styles on the worship team, this can ensure that the congregation is led in both exuberant praise as well as contemplative worship.

Leading. While extroverts can help encourage active fellowship in small groups, introverts can ensure deeper insights are shared and individuals aren’t overlooked.

We are all necessary

Ephesians 2:10 is well-known and oft-quoted. Here’s my slight paraphrasing of the verse: “For we are all – both introvert and extrovert – his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus, in God’s image, for good works, which God prepared ahead of time for us to do together.”

No, introverts are not better than extroverts. And neither are extroverts better than introverts. Both personality styles are God-created and God-blessed. For the body of Christ to function well, we need to work together, complementing one another’s styles, as we serve in his Kingdom on earth.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.

#20. No fear

Christian introverts are often mis-identified as being fearful, timid, or shy. A favorite verse tossed our way is 2 Timothy 1:7 that says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment” (CSB). We are then exhorted to be more “bold” like our extroverted brothers and sisters.

First, introversion is not a lack of boldness or a spirit of fear or shyness. Being an introvert is related to our energy, environment, and focus. (For more on these, see the 11/13/23 column, “Introvert essentials”).  

Second, being biblically bold isn’t about behaving in an extroverted manner. Often, when we talk about someone who is being bold, we add the connotations of extroversion. But when you look up the meaning of “bold,” words such as courageous, fearless, and confident populate the definition. What isn’t included in the definition are words such as loud, outgoing, or expressive. The reality is that you can be bold and quiet at the same time. Let’s look at a couple of examples from the New Testament.

Boldy approaching

Hebrews 4:16 encourages, “Therefore, let us approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in time of need” (CSB). The word translated as “boldness,” in the Greek can mean freedom to speak, to be open and frank, to share without ambiguity. In fact, some versions translate the word as confidence. There is no mention of anything such as exuberant, loud, forceful, or other adjectives that we often attribute to extroverts. In other words, being bold is not an exclusively extroverted behavior. God doesn’t need us to shout for us to be heard.

Boldy giving

At the end of Mark 12, Jesus points out to his disciples the quiet yet decisive act of a widow. We know this as the story of “The Widow’s Mite.” The full passage is found in verses 41-44: “Sitting across from the temple treasury, he watched how the crowd dropped money into the treasury. Many rich people were putting in large sums. Then a poor widow came and dropped in two tiny coins worth very little. Summoning his disciples, he said to them, ‘Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. For they all gave out of their surplus, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had—all she had to live on’” (CSB).

This widow made no show of what she was doing. No one else but Jesus knew what was happening. Yet, the widow was acting boldly in her quiet manner. With confidence, she gave what she had knowing God would provide what she needed.

Boldly seeking

In fact, Jesus cautions against inappropriate outward exuberance. In Luke 18:10-14 he shared the parable of the tax collector and the Pharisee. The Pharisee prayed in what we could label a “bold” manner, telling God all about his own goodness. The tax collector, however, was quiet and humble, yet boldly sought God’s forgiveness. Jesus concludes this parable stating, “everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”

In essence, Jesus is saying that the introverted behavior of the tax collector, in this instance, is more appropriate than the extroverted behavior of the Pharisee.

Both/and

Bold is not a synonym for extroversion. Both introverts and extroverts can be appropriately bold within the context of their personality type. To be bold merely means to be frank, open, unambiguous, confident, and honest. These are characteristics all Christians are called to exhibit, whether boisterously or quietly.

 

Agree? Disagree? Love it? Hate it? Have a question about this blog or this post? Email me at Stephen@QuietlyFaithful.com or leave a comment below. Share your story about being a Christian introvert or let me know a specific topic you’d like to see addressed.